52 and THRIVING!

These days I'm not just "surviving," I'm THRIVING!

I spent the last many years surviving. Going from one physical crisis to the next. I'm thrilled to report that I've been "crisis free" for about five weeks now. I'm also getting stronger every day. Here's what I'm doing that's working for me.

• I work out in some way daily. Dog walks, my trampoline (affectionately dubbed "Fatty Bounce Bounce" by my husband), my new gym, swimming with my mom, long walks every Saturday with my husband.
  
  
• Wearing my FitBit every day to track my sleep, heart rate, HRV and overall progress.
  
  
• Using Hungry Root for dinners during the week. We get about three meals a week with ingredients and the menu delivered right to our door every Monday morning.
  
  
• Eating strictly vegetarian and limiting my animal protein. A little cheese, yogurt and eggs.
  
  
• Watching my weight. So far I just watch it go up a little and down a little, but it's a work in progress.
  
  
• Resting when I feel tired.

That natural glow is from sunshine and exercise.

Since adopting these practices I'm feeling much more myself. My migraines remain an issue. A side effect from my craniotomy, I'm sure. But my mitochondrial disease feels to be in full remission right now.

With that comes a huge adjustment and also some fear. Fear that it could turn back on me just as suddenly as it went away. I'm on my guard, but also just loving life.

My husband and I walked just under three miles with our little dogs yesterday. I was exhausted, but felt so proud. It was the farthest I'd walked since I can remember. Just a month ago I struggled to walk a mile. I also carried one of our dogs or the other for at least half a mile. That's an extra 12lbs.

I told my husband I'd never poo poo another 12lb weight loss again.

This little guy is solid!

I still have severe dizziness, and "ice pick" migraines daily. I have been taking Qulipta 60 mg every night and it was working very well. Then it felt like I acclimated to it and it stopped being so effective. That seems to happen with me and medications.

My migraine neurologist is going to try me out on Lamictal 25mg instead to see if that helps. I feel like I might have tried it before, but I don't remember. It's an anti-seizure medication that should help with my type of migraines. 

In the meantime, I will try to keep up the good work and continue to re-build my body from being so ill for so long.

How Summer's Going

Summer 2025 is more than half over and it's going very well. The less animal products I eat the better I feel physically. I'm also have a lot less pain, especially at night. This is a huge leap from the person I used to be. Someone who would lay in bed at night and cry from the pain. 

I very quickly went from using a motor cart to shop to not even using my handicapped parking. And this...

I haven't seen the dimple in my "bad leg" in at least six years. It's usually always swollen no matter what I do. But now it's almost as strong as the other one. I've been biking and swimming, so I'm sure that combined with my diet is why.

This is how I feel. Like I'm "almost me again." It's the best feeling in the world.

I've been pushing myself, but paying close attention to my limits. I did a mile and a half walk with my husband yesterday and made 10,000 steps for the first time since I became ill.

Right now I eat a vegetarian diet with minimal dairy. And the dairy I do eat is usually fermented, like yogurt. I use oat milk in my smoothie and just eat a lot of Buddha bowls and Mexican with no cheese. The biggest dairy I eat is eggs, which don't seem to bother me.

I've gone from riding my wheelchair to the pool to swim with my mom to riding my electric bike! And yes, I do peddle. 

I work out with pool noodles and water weights about three days a week.

Another accomplishment this summer, no fear of being in the pool alone.

My mom observed that both of us usually feel our best during the summer. I agree. I think I am the most physically active, despite the horrible heat. I also tend to naturally eat a bit lighter and not quite as much.

I have felt hungry almost every night in bed. But I'm down to 281, which is a big deal for me. I'll be so happy to break through the 280's. What a wonderful summer of success!

Self Love

What would you do if you knew today was your last day here alive on earth? Who would you talk to? How would you spend your time?

As someone who has always been unafraid of death, these are questions that go through my head often. "Is this the last time I'll ever see this person again? The last chance to hug them?" 

Everyone in my life whom I love knows just how much I love them. I'm very vocal about it. I hug tightly and let them know in as many ways as I can just how important they are to me.

Am I that important to myself?
I'm working on it.

Self-love is an evolving work in progress for me. As I kid I remember hitting myself, choking myself, biting myself. As a Psychologist I now know these are all common trauma reactions, especially in girls who have experienced SA. So is self hatred. Especially hatred of their bodies.

It has taken me a very long time to turn all of that around. To nurture that young girl and ease her trauma. Now I find self love talk to come easily. I am gentle with myself. However doing what's in my best self interest is still a struggle. 

• How I spend my time.
• Staying on a budget or planning financially for the future.
• Making the healthiest choice for my body.
• Putting my needs first (even before my dogs.)

All of these are a work in progress for me. I've come a long way (baby) but I still have a bit of self love that I want to grow into.

My new Fitbit. An act of self love to invest in my goals.

Re-Imagining Me

I've been trying to have a big mental shift. It isn't easy. At my age my thinking is pretty set. However if I shifted it to become a full time student at the age of 40, then I can do this. I accomplished a hell of a lot for my career. I have shown myself what I can do when I put my mind, time and energy to something.

In the past this was how my brain worked:

90% Illness

10% Everyone else, including me

My illness was in the drivers seat. I did anything I could to self-comfort. Social media, fast food, limiting how physical I was, ignoring it and just surviving. Not much of a focus on thriving.

But the power of the mind is mighty. Here's what I'm working towards:

75% ME

my food, being in nature, art, creativity, spirituality, relationships

25% Illness (appointments, crash days, pacing, pain, insomnia)

Rather than numbing myself out of my illness I'm leaning in and making friends with it. I'm not "managing" or "surviving." I am nurturing and feeding my body what she needs to do her best. By leaning in and listening. Rest, art, movement, beauty, nature, good nutrition... These are things I need. 

I Am An Athlete

Ok... I'm not.

But my muscles THINK that I am. They conk out too fast like a marathon runner who is a professional body builder on the weekdays. Given that. I need to eat like a professional athlete.

I'm not talking about the 5,000+ calories a day. I'm talking about all the supplements, protein and muscle support foods that I can get. That means the very best breakfast I can have is a protein shake.

I don't always do this because:
1) It takes a lot of spoons to make (metaphorically speaking. Not literally.)
2) It requires a lot of ingredients = $$$$$$$
3) I don't always feel like drinking my breakfast. I girl likes to chew every once in a while.
4) It can be high in calories.
5) No matter what I put in, it doesn't taste amazing.

Here are the basic components I put in mine to feed my muscles and my body:
1) Some kind of frozen fruit. Typically mixed organic berries. Between 1/2 to 1 cup.
2) Some kind of oatmilk or juice. Between 1/2 to 1 cup.

3) Some kind of organic protein powder. Typically chocolate or vanilla. 1 scoop.

4) Powder fiber (I tend to run constipated thanks to all my pain medication.)
5) 1 tsp ground flax.

6) My recent addition to the mix, organic Inulin.

7) Filtered water.
8) Unflavored European style yogurt (if I have it on hand). 1/4 to 1/2 a cup.

Then I just blend the crap out of it and drink it. I splurged last year and bought official shake cups that come with those little metal balls in them for shaking. I find it really useful because try as I might things tend to settle fast. So unless I chug it like the athlete that I am, I tend to want to shake it a little.

I've also switched from my usual coffee brimming with barista style oatmilk and brown sugar to British tea with just a dash of honey. I'll still have coffee on the weekends. And you'll never see me without a massive cup of water. 

Here's my ideal breakfast

Something new that I'm trying also as a coffee replacement is sipping barely sweetened cacao. Just hot water, cocoa, a tiny bit of sweetener (your choice what kind), some Mexican vanilla, a dash of salt. Voila! You can add cinnamon if you like as well. 

The Cacao Powder I enjoy

You can learn about the differences in Cacao and Cocoa here. 

I am Miss Piggy! I am!

Medical Scare

 

My mom just returned home from the hospital after being there for a harrowing six days. She was vomiting and having diarrhea and couldn't eat a single thing for 15 days. It was awful. She was diagnosed with kidney stones, gallstones, an enlarged pancreas,  two small hernias, fatty liver disease, diverticulitis of the colon and a UTI. Because everything else just wasn't enough. 

This is the third time in five years she's gone to the emergency room and been admitted. Fortunately this is the first time she didn't require surgery. It was very stressful, all the unknowns and I just felt so awful for her and helpless.

At times like this I'm reminded that the one thing I can do and can control is what I'm putting in and doing with my own body. Seeing her health scares me. Being a plus size woman myself, it makes me want to try and lose some weight to hopefully avoid some of these future issues.

The good that came out of it was that I was inspired me to re-double, triple, quadruple my efforts to try and treat myself with tender loving care. Feed myself good food. Move as much as I can. Rest when I need to. Spend my time mindfully. All fantastic reminders.

In the past I've wanted lose weight for a very specific goal. A trip usually. Or special event. Then I "cheat" because I'm on vacation, it's a special holiday, we have company, there's a birthday party, etc... There always seems to be an excellent excuse to eat anything I want.

This time I'm taking it minute by minute and trying to make the best choices for myself. For my body. For my health. For my future. Rather than indulging for the "Now."

Time to shave my head again!

Hair is such a big deal for women. And men too. It's a symbol of a woman's sex appeal. Her virility and sensuality. Women spend insane amounts of time and money on their hair. I bet you could buy a house by the time the average woman dies with what is spend on hair care. Men do too of course, but really not to the extent of women.

Me right after this picture was taken.
"Mooooooom. Will you shave my head for me?"

Some of it is cultural of course. The hair salon becomes a sacred "Third Space." Especially if you're having a very long process done like a weave or braids. I can't think of a time in history where women weren't plucking, dying, shaving, braiding, fucking with their hair. I wonder why? Did you know ancient women used sharp sea shells to shave their hair? And Roman prostitutes bleached their hair blonde with donkey urine.

Different hair colors also have different meanings. Right? The flirty, ditsy blonde. Serious, mysterious brunette, fiery temperamental red head. Fascinating.

Post swim and shave

I have enjoying playing with my hair in the past. Different colors and looks. But frankly now that I'm older I just feel so over it all. Over the time, fuss, money, energy, supplies... all of it. 

I really love the look of a buzz cut. To me it "means business." I find it so sexy when a woman has a buzz cut, no matter the age. Men too. There's a Viking sex appeal to it for me. And oh my God is it easy and cool. Feeling the breeze on your scalp is a pleasure everyone should enjoy at least once in their life. 

Speaking of. I love to rub my hand on a shaved head. So do most people. The most common question I get when I buzz my hair is "can I touch it?" And if I know you, then sure! Rub away.

The A/C hitting my head during the summer heat feels AMAZING!

A woman with a shaved head says "don't fuck with me." She's a bad ass who doesn't care what people think. Even if it's from chemo or alopecia, that woman is a warrior. She's down for a battle and is fighting every second.

Whoa...

Maybe that's one of the reasons I do it? Maybe I'm showing people that I'm fighting every second of my life. That my mitochondrial disease has forced me to be a warrior. I had no choice. It makes my invisible battle visible in a way. Hmmmmm. I'll have to think on that some more. While I rub my "fuzzy chick head" as my husband calls it.