Looking Behind and Ahead

There's a saying in the field of Psychology that "Looking behind too much will cause depression. Looking ahead too much will cause anxiety." I think that's true, but looking behind is also how we learn.

I've had more than a few "AH HAH" moments from looking behind. In fact, I recently had an important memory.

In 2011 (about 14 years ago) I was trying to get into jogging. I wanted to jog a 5K. It was my goal. I signed up with a few friends to do it together. But I quickly discovered I had a problem. No matter how much I stretched and trained my right hip remained tight. It would cramp up on me even on the shortest, simplest of runs. I got new shoes, supportive leggings, tried many different ways to solve the issue, but nothing helped. 

Me in 2011

Yes... I'm stomping grapes with my bare feet.

The day of the 5K came and I ended up walking it. Even that was hard and painful. My friends finished quickly and then one circled back to walk with me and cheer me on. I cried a lot that day out of frustration. It's the first time I can remember my body just not being able to do something that I felt it should.

I had completely forgotten about that time until now. It seemed so easy for other people and I found it impossible. I now believe that was the start of my mitochondrial disease. That it stretched back that far. Now I live with that feeling of frustration pretty much every single day.

2025

Me sitting on my butt NOT grape stomping on a platform.

My right side has always been my "problem" side. My right hand is weaker. My right ankle cramps and I have drop foot on my right foot. It makes complete sense that the cramping I was having in my right hip was the very beginning of my muscle problems.

I have an appointment next week with my pain doctor. I cancelled the last one out of fear. This time I'm keeping an open mind and what to hear what she feels my options are.

I'm still working on this lesson.

Checking In With Myself

2025 Has been as difficult for me as 2020 emotionally. This time in 2020 the COVID pandemic was really serious. Things were shutting down and people were told to stay at home unless you really had to go out. Now in 2025 everything is a big scary mess politically.

Undocumented people are hiding out while ICE is on the hunt to deport them. Or worse, hold them in Guantanamo prison. Women, people of color, disabled people, LGBT people are all targets by politicians. Thousands and thousands of important government workers have lost their jobs because of the whim of mad men with power. Much needed services are being cut right and left. 

I feel anxious and depressed. I haven't been sleeping well and I feel exhausted pretty constantly.

Personally these changes are affecting me very little. Like the lock down of 2020. But since I'm a caring person and I see the impact it has on people I love (and people I don't know,) it is affecting me in a major way.

I have to remind myself of all the good things there are constantly. Like...

• My family
• My puppies
• The support group I just started for women
• My beautiful house
• My many friends
• My lovely town
• Nature
• That I can walk a block without my chair still
• Art and cultural experiences still happening
• Good TV & movies
• My soft bed to rest on any time I need it (which is often)
• Pottery

It's already very much springtime here. That also helps me focus on good things. It's a "hopeful" time in the season wheel. 

Just Doing My Best

I'm done with Zepbound. The side effects were too much for me. Bloating, burping, constipation, painfully slow digestion... I felt like I had bariatric surgery. It took away my cravings, which was good and bad. It also dulled my love for food. The enjoyment of eating.

In one way that gave me insight to what "normal" people must feel like. On the other hand I felt sad to have no pleasure of eating. That "spark" was gone. 

When my Nana died I found books and books of weight loss tips, recipes, smoothies, advice, drugs... in her home. She was always a bit plump. Not big, but average. As long as I can remember she was on some kind of weird diet and trying to get all of us to do it too. I remember being given these giant green spirulina pills when I was young. They tasted like swamp goo. And for the record I was not a big kid. Maybe she did it for "health?" 

I was struck with how much of her life she wasted on all of these things that don't matter. Didn't matter. Her clothes size, her belly, her back fat, her "bingo" arms. She was beautiful to me. I was determined in that moment to not let all that "noise" screw with my happiness. The people in my life love me unconditionally, no matter what size I am.

She was perfect just the way she was.

Somehow I had already forgotten that lesson.

I do want to lower my weight for the sake of my joints and muscles. But I am beautiful, stunning and perfect. I don't need any weird food to do it. And it's ok to have ice cream for dinner every once in a while.