Looking Behind and Ahead

There's a saying in the field of Psychology that "Looking behind too much will cause depression. Looking ahead too much will cause anxiety." I think that's true, but looking behind is also how we learn.

I've had more than a few "AH HAH" moments from looking behind. In fact, I recently had an important memory.

In 2011 (about 14 years ago) I was trying to get into jogging. I wanted to jog a 5K. It was my goal. I signed up with a few friends to do it together. But I quickly discovered I had a problem. No matter how much I stretched and trained my right hip remained tight. It would cramp up on me even on the shortest, simplest of runs. I got new shoes, supportive leggings, tried many different ways to solve the issue, but nothing helped. 

Me in 2011

Yes... I'm stomping grapes with my bare feet.

The day of the 5K came and I ended up walking it. Even that was hard and painful. My friends finished quickly and then one circled back to walk with me and cheer me on. I cried a lot that day out of frustration. It's the first time I can remember my body just not being able to do something that I felt it should.

I had completely forgotten about that time until now. It seemed so easy for other people and I found it impossible. I now believe that was the start of my mitochondrial disease. That it stretched back that far. Now I live with that feeling of frustration pretty much every single day.

2025

Me sitting on my butt NOT grape stomping on a platform.

My right side has always been my "problem" side. My right hand is weaker. My right ankle cramps and I have drop foot on my right foot. It makes complete sense that the cramping I was having in my right hip was the very beginning of my muscle problems.

I have an appointment next week with my pain doctor. I cancelled the last one out of fear. This time I'm keeping an open mind and what to hear what she feels my options are.

I'm still working on this lesson.