Daily Rhythm

After all of the holidays, my mom's birthday, my birthday, my son's birthday, I think I have something of a daily rhythm forming and it's really helpful.

I start my day off with a cup of coffee and a hand full of pills, like most Americans, but especially those with any kind of chronic illness/disability. 

Then I spend about 30minutes on some kind of household chore while I have the spoons. Laundry, dishes that kind of thing. After that I move into computer work. These days it's compiling my medical files for SSDI appeal of denial. 

Now I have all my relevant medical records on my hard drive and on my Google drive. There my mom and a family friend who is a PCP can both easily access my files and give me feedback if they notice something missing. AND if anything ever happens to my computer it's all backed up and organized. 

I have some other things in the work as far as SSDI goes, but it requires me leaving the house and is more complicated. It also requires more spoons. This is something I can do bit by bit every morning.

After that I eat something. Usually a banana, but sometimes avocado toast. Or sometimes it's actually lunch time and I have some kind of fish. I shower after I get my grub on.

When I emerge all soft and shiny fresh I usually switch gears and move onto something creative or go on a small errand or adventure with Sweetie and my Mom. Yesterday was rare in that I had the spoons for both. 

My Mom came over and while she was on an important phone call I made my FAVORITE dessert and something I was craving, rice krispy treats. Yes, it is hard for me to make, but it's a challenge I can still do. 

After her call we took my 13 year old "puppy" Sweetie out to our local Arboritum for a very short walk (Mom) roll (me). It was the first time Mom got to drive Pablo. She's in love.

After that the rest of my day is devoted to napping. Then my husband is home from work and the Man Cub is home from college. We all have dinner, watch a show and it's bed time. And no, I have no trouble taking a 2-3 hour nap and going to bed for the night soon after. Not. At. All. 

Not every day follows this flow 100%. Sometimes my Mom comes over in the morning and we spend the whole day together. Other times I don't see her at all and I do my own thing the whole day and maybe roll Sweetie on my own around my neighborhood. But a typical day is tending to follow this pattern and I love it.

Today I have my second cement person coming out. I hope it goes better than the first who totally flaked on me. I'm starting to feel a little more settled in my daily rhythms and even though I'm still struggling a lot with pain, fatigue, dizziness and other issues it does bring me a new feeling of calm that I welcome with open arms.

Why it's easier to just stay home

My husband and I went out to see friends last night. They're good friends, but friends we have a hobby in common with and see about once a month if we can. I had tried to save up my spoons and had a good nap. I dressed up nice and we took Pablo out with Dory so I felt all spooned and tooled up. 

Then a friend said something really stupid that just knocked the wind right out of me. My husband/ally was behind me talking so he didn't hear and couldn't step in. Drat! I was left hanging in the wind. The conversation went like this.

Friend: "Are you working now?"

Me: "No. I'm on disability".

Friend: "Oh, so you're home?"

Me: "Yup!"

Friend: "Can't you even work from home?"

Me: ... (wind knocked out)

Me: "Noooo... I'm disabled. I'm on disability. I'm home not working because I can't work."

... "silence"

Me: "So how are YOU doing?"

That's my technique. Whenever someone puts their foot in their mouth I just turn the conversation away from me completely and onto them.

During that same evening I also had a very drunk friend hang ALL over my chair and myself, smudge my glasses, gave many many hugs in which I was careful to turn my chair off so as to not run over anyone... in short it was nice to see my friends but it was a LOT of spoons.

I seriously understand why people just stay home. 

My sweet friends want to bring a lunch over soon and come over to my house. I promise myself not to clean or feel bad about my house not being "up to snuff" comparing it to how it used to be. I also will not let my husband run around cleaning and buying food to entertain them. We'll see if that's better. 

I know people don't mean to say hurtful things. And it does come from strangers too. All the time really. But that's what I mean when I say often times it's just easier to stay home. 

Time out for me

When you're chronically ill and disabled it's easy for all your time to get sucked into your disability and YOU become secondary. It's your disability that comes first. You are a "disabled woman" not a "woman with a disability". There actually is a very big difference between those two phrases. One puts the person first and the other puts the disability first.

Doctor's appointments, picking up medications, fighting for modifications and DME (I hope you never need to know what that stands for but in case you don't know it means durable medical equipment). It's easy for ME to get lost. So lately I've been trying to really put my self first. It hasn't been easy. One way I've been doing that (and it will sound stupid) is with my teeth.

Having had a brain tumor has made me terrified to go to the dentist. I'm scared of getting x-rays of my head and that the drill will hurt my plates and maybe make a screw come loose. I'm pretty positive these fears are irrational. I have a good dentist who sees my family and who knows about my brain surgery. They've agreed to make accommodations and do whatever I need to make me comfortable. 

So I've been brushing twice a day (I used to never brush in the mornings) and I bought a water pick that I've been using at night. I'm trying to take better care of my teeth leading up to my appointment (and noooo, not just the day before thank you very much!)

The other thing I'm doing is trying to take very good care of my skin. And I was rewarded with yet another fever blister. My second in a single month. I think something is going on with my immune system. -sigh-

One way I take care of my skin is I rarely wear makeup. Like maybe once a week. What do you think. Better with, or without?

Weirdly enough I think my eyes pop more without makeup. Strange! Though I do like covering up my old fever blister scar more with makeup. 

But I think it's not makeup that makes one attractive but an authentic smile. Don't you? One that comes from deep down after taking time out to see friends or family after an afternoon of taking good care of yourself. 

January 2020 Update

It has been a while since I checked in as far as how I'm feeling. How I'm actually doing symptom wise. What I'm trying medication wise and how things are going. So (insert drum roll please - and maybe a didgeridoo just for fun) here's a January 2020 update!

Here's the meds I'm currently taking and why

Prescription Meds

• LevoTHYROxine 125 mcg AM (taking for my hypothyroidism. I've had that for 17 years.)
• Lyrica 75 mg BID AM&PM (taking that for my stocking glove peripheral neuropathy. I've had that for 5 years since treatment for the Latent TB. Likely caused by the treatment. It keeps me from feeling like I'm being eaten alive by fire ants.)
• Cymbalta 60 mg PM (taking for joint and muscle pain. Also it helps for depression. I recently tried to wean off and was rewarded with severe pain. It's a must take.)
• Baclofen 20 mg Three times a day(TID) AM – 12 – PM (a magical pill that helps with my muscle cramps and spasms. This is a muscle relaxer commonly given to people with MS. I found it on my own after researching treatments for muscle cramps and spasms after my neurologist told me my only option was CBD. Hmmmm. Nope. The Baclofen is wonderful.)
• Topiramate 25mg BID AM&PM (This is "Topamax" that I just started for "migraines." Both my new neurologist and an ENT Dr told me I have migraines. This was suggested. It's an anti-seizure med but is supposed to work for migraines. We'll see. So for it has a lot of side effects.)

“Mito Cocktail” for Mitochondrial Myopathy

• COQ10 Enzyme 1,500 mg total daily (300mg 5x a day)
• L-Arginine 500mg daily
• Vit. D 2,000IU AM
• B-2 400mg AM
• Magnesium 360mg AM – 500mg PM
• Feverfew 100mg AM
• Wild Alaskan Fish Oil 1,400mg BID AM-PM

(The first two are amazingly helpful. I'm honestly not sure about the rest.)These are all recommended for anyone with any kind of mitochondrial issue. It's the first line of defense and often the ONLY "cure" for mitochondrial disease of any kind.
-gulp-

PRN - Take as needed

• Albuterol Inhaler PRN (apx 1x daily)(I take for asthma. I've had increasing problems with breathing last year)
• Acetaminophen 500mg +2 PRN (apx 2x per week) (I take this for pain. It works better for me than Ibuprophen) 

Yes! All those drugs are really helpful. Well, almost all of them. But what makes a world of difference for me is rest and sleep. If I get enough of it I can function ok... usually... till around noon and then I start to get tired. 

By 3pm I REALLY need a nap. Then I nap from 3 or 3:30 till 5:30 or 6. That's what my body really needs. If that doesn't happen I feel super punch drunk all day.

I like to be in bed no later than 9pm. Yup. That's WITH a giant nap. Then I sleep from around 10 till 9AM. My sleep is usually pretty interrupted with having to pee a lot and drink a lot. Even with a cool mist humidifier right by my face I have dry mouth pretty bad at night. If I'm at all sick that gets worse times a thousand for some reason. 

I stopped shaving my legs and arm pits.

Here are some recent changes I've made to make my life easier and save spoons.

I'm a pretty fuzzy chick by nature. My family didn't give me the nickname "Little Bear" for nothing. And chasing my leg and armpit hair multiple times a week was fricken exhausting. I tried everything. Regular razors. Sensitive razors. Shaving cream. Razors with shaving cream built right in. Electric razors you could take right in the shower with you (so I could use them on my shower stool). 

But hey! Being six feet tall with legs to the sky (as my pictures can attest to) that still took forever and literally all my spoons for the day. I threw in the towel at the beginning of the year. And you know what? I actually don't have as much leg hair anymore as I though. I think after so many years of shaving many of my follicles have given up the ghost.

No more coloring.

I'm also going back to my natural hair color. 

Although the henna was fun and I did have one last dance with the box dye devil... none of it is ME. It all takes time, money (something I'll get to in a minute) and is just a cultural construct of beauty that I really don't need in my life. Again, it also takes spoons that I'd rather spend on other things like time with my family, art, writing, etc.

Sticking to my budget

We have a family budget and now that we bought Pablo it's VERRRRRRRRRYYYYYYYYYYY important that I stick to it. Like 100%. As in no more buying myself a little shiny bauble. But come on... it was my birthday and they're natural sapphires, miner cut set it platinum, real vintage from England... how could I resist!?!? Well... obviously I couldn't. But that's it! Last hurrah. I'll be good now honey, I promise.

Ok, back to symptoms.

They're the same really. I'm up to the full dose on the Topamax after two weeks which is 25mg 2x a day. I feel even dizzier, more tired and out of it than before. I'm hoping that's temporary. I'm willing to give it a month because trying to be as healthy as possible is my full time job.

Even though I meet almost every criteria for a Vestibular Migraine I'm not completely convinced that's what's going on with me (despite two wonderful professionals telling me it is). Why? Because I have these symptoms all of the time. They don't "come and go" or "trigger". They only get worse and very rarely get better. 

What makes them worse is physical exertion or a major visual trigger like flashing lights or staring at contrasting vertical blinds for more than a few seconds. Rest does make it a little better, but it is never, ever "gone". 

This feeling of dizziness, foggy headedness, constant exhaustion, forgetfulness and chronic pain is why I was no longer able to work. It had nothing to do with my lack of mobility. I can always work around that with my job. But not being able to track in a conversation or having my vision blur out or suddenly being exhausted, that I can't just "work around". That was a deal breaker.

So that's where I am. I very rarely drive and if I do it's super short distances. My mood is ok. I have bouts of feeling in limbo still because my permanent disability isn't secured yet. But I am on temporary disability for 7 more months and my student loan dismissal based on disability was approved, so that's a very big deal. I do feel I'm making some progress in my life as Pablo shows. He's like my personal boat taking me off into my new future and I appreciate that a lot. 

I appreciate my family, my medical team, my good health care and insurance, my puppy, my home, my wonderful healthy food, my plants that make me smile when I see them, my delicious coffee, the lovely town I live in. I am a very lucky woman in so many ways. 

My husband is the love of my life and my best friend. I'm so lucky to wake up with him every day. So I like to notice what I have instead of what I don't and what I have is a LOT!

The next big project

One good thing about being home rather than working 40 hours a week is that it has afforded us the time to get some lingering home projects done. So far we've had our leaky kitchen sink replaced, the dry rot facia boards in the front of our house replaced, our front door fixed (complete with door handle that was falling off) and most recently our tub re-calked. My husband proudly installed the shower grab bars himself!

The next project we have up is a big exciting one. We're getting cement work done to form a ramp to our front door. Right now the lip to our front door is 3 inches. Even my six wheel tank of a chair "Dory" can't take that on. We also have a useless flower bed taking up space making the walkway to our door tight for a chair. 

Two lips into the front door.

We like to use our tiny front patio for coffee when the weather is nice and it would be fun to expand that out to make it larger. This would helpfully cut down on some of our garden size and hopefully make it more manageable too. 

Then the driveway will be expanded to better fit both our new wheelchair van and our Kia Soul. We have a useless little weed patch that takes up a good portion that will be cemented over giving us more space. 

Weed patch taking up driveway space.

Not for long weeds!

All those cracks will get patched too.

Thanks California earthquakes.

Here's the wonky flower patch with old bricks. 

You can see the tiny patio too. 

I'm hoping to make ALL of this cement.

Now that we took on the wheelchair van payments I do have to be very careful with our projects. After the cement our last big one will be our fence. It's literally falling down on one side and patched all over on the other. Considering we live between an in-home daycare center and a bunch of college kids (neither were there when we bought our house) a good, tall fence is very important to my mental health. Especially being home as much as I am. Anything we can do to cut down the noise is a medical necessity. Heck! I should be able to write it off on my taxes!!!

Meet Pablo

Four days ago we pulled the trigger and bought a wheelchair van. Not just any wheelchair van though. This thing is a fricken rocket ship! I'd like you to meet... Pablo!

Pablo is a 2017 Chrysler Pacifica Touring Limited Plus with only 4,500 miles. He comes with a Braun electric fold out ramp, light sand colored leather seats that are heated, heated steering wheel, automatic lowering capabilities, back up camera, satellite navigation system, blu ray players front and back and (my husband's favorite feature) climate control for each section of the car front and back. That means I can have my side at 60 and he can have his side at 80. Win-win. Also our 6'4 son finally has plenty of leg room in the back seat. "And I even like the color" (Indiana Jones joke).

We'd been looking and thinking about a van for almost six months. There was a lot to learn and next to our house it was the biggest purchase we'd ever made. 

There are plenty of disabled people who live out their lives without a wheelchair van, so why did I feel like I NEEDED one? I am a tall, large lady. I have a tall, large wheelchair that is built to accommodate me. Yes, I also have a travel wheelchair, but it gets uncomfortable quickly. And given I'm already in constant pain it is important to be to be as comfortable as I can (enter the seat heaters). My big wheelchair makes me much more comfortable and I can't use it without a van or a bus. The bus doesn't go everywhere I need/want to go when I want to go there. My town is small and I can go out in just my chair a lot of the time, but not everywhere and only when the weather is good.

Also, my husband and I enjoy going on adventures. I'm hoping in the future more of those adventures can include road trips. There may come a time where I am only able to transfer in and out of my chair minimally and not walk much at all. I like being prepared and not having things like that sneak up on me. In Pablo we can keep the adventures coming for years and years no mater my mobility status. Even if I'm completely immobile actually, which is really fantastic!

And yes, a lot of disabled people don't have a van, but they also don't have anyone to drive it for them. In fact a lot of them end up becoming "house bound" which is a horrible, but understandable situation. Options outside of your own van really stink and aren't free (much to able bodied people's shock). And even being driven around can be exhausting. So a lot of the time people just end up staying home. 

No matter how severe my mobility issues get I refuse to have that happen to me. I will nap when I need to, sure! But I will get out and be a part of the world and let the world be a part of me. 

You Look So Pretty!

Second only to "you look so healthy" those four words also can be a bit loaded. I mean when was the last time you told a woman "You're so smart! You're so organized! I really admire you!" Not to say that we don't also compliment others outside of beauty, but come on. We all know "You look so great!" Commenting on someone's superficial appearance is the cultural go to. Even for children "You're so cute". Which is really terrible.

I had a conversation with my mother the other day about beauty standards and ableism. I feel like every way in which a person deviates from the cultural standard of "normal" you will encounter push back. This push back can come in the way of prejudice, discrimination and the world just not being made for you.

No makeup, kid clips, not fighting aging.
I think I'm still pretty.

Typical "deviations" from our current culture that will cause pushback are:

• Skin Color
• Body Size
• Signs of normal aging (wrinkles, sagging, silver hair...)
• Obvious signs of disability (wheelchair, walker, synthetic limb, deformation, oxy tank...)
• Height
• Socioeconomic status (how wealthy you are... or aren't)
• Body hair (on women)
• Body odor (on women)
• Dressing "outside the norm"
• Body modifications (face piercings, ear gaging, etc...)

And as if this exclusionary, impulsive reaction wasn't bad enough another thing I've noticed is that the more of this box's you tick, the more violent and immediate someone's reaction can be. One need look no further than the violence perpetrated against trans women of color to see that's a fact. Being tall, a person of color and transgender can easily get you killed.

So what does that mean to me, a queen size disabled person over 20? I shared with my family that I've noticed a huge difference in how people react to me and treat me depending on what mobility device I'm using, the color of my hair (natural vs colored), the clothes I'm wearing, the purse I use and if I've chosen to wear makeup that day.

Growing my hair color out.

AGAIN...

The most poorly I'm treated is with natural hair, casual clothes, no Coach bag and using a store electric cart. I honestly like to keep my cane in a store electric cart with me as an obvious signal to my disability. Being a big person there are way too many "people of Wall Mart" memes out there for my comfort. I noticed that people will not get out of my way (block me in on purpose), ignore me, not offer to help me with anything and in general tend to just look away.

Helooooo. Get the hell out of my wayyyy!!!

The best I'm treated is in full makeup, hair colored, dressed up, expensive purse and either walking on my own (something I only do in my own house these days) or using Dory, my "mega wheelchair." I believe that is because it screams "I have a legit disability!!!" Dory for sure gets me treated even better than my travel wheelchair Ariel. I'm guessing because of the size and gadgets it just "looks more disabled".

Vroooom!
Me and Dory taking off from my Mom's house.

So what would happen if I have blue hair, piercings all over, riding in a scooter, wearing rainbow yoga pants and an obscure 80's band t-shirt carrying a unicorn backpack on my back? If you add to that it is a person of color and a very large person I'm sure she'd end up a meme on someone's Instagram account, or be filmed against her will and uploaded to YouTube with some horrible comments being made. That's my guess. Because this person is too far outside of what our culture deems "normal" and they deserve to be punished for it.

Even with knowing all this to be true I still choose to push the boundaries on normalized culture. I feel it's the only way to create change for the good. For there to be love instead of hatred and prejudice. Because I am a social justice warrior and a feminist and that will never change no matter how severe my disability becomes. 

With not being able to work right now. Not being able to help people the way that I used to. Living with this core value of loving people and fighting against stigma in even the smallest way still gives me a strong sense of purpose. Something everyone needs in life.