What I Can Control

There's so much about my body that I can't control. I have no say over my pain, migraines, dizziness, cramps, spasms, blurred vision, brain fog, fatigue... well... anything. There are some things that I can control however. One of them is my dental health.

No control

I have always been afraid of the dentist. I remember being very young and having a dentist literally lay his arm across my face as he worked on me. Another had the worst breath you can imagine that he breathed right on my face for what felt like hours as he inflicted nothing but pain. I thought intense pain was just part of the dental deal and all dentists were sick sadists.

As an older adult I finally found a good one. Though good dentists always seemed to hire evil hygienists who were awful. So it was common for me to go years and years with no dental care. 

I swore 2020 would be my year to get caught up on my dental care. I had finally found a good dentist who had been gentle with my son, so I thought I might be in ok hands. 

Let's Go!

Luckily I was right about the new dentist and everything went well. I'm now all caught up and can just keep up with my cleanings instead of needing expensive, painful work done. And he made sure it didn't hurt! YAY! I met my goal of catching up on my dental care this year and I feel really proud about that.

Now I'm on a roll and am working on getting a whiter smile with just those white strips you can buy. I like my fangs and crooked smile, but want them to be nice and clean looking. That's something I can fix and control.

Time out for me

When you're chronically ill and disabled it's easy for all your time to get sucked into your disability and YOU become secondary. It's your disability that comes first. You are a "disabled woman" not a "woman with a disability". There actually is a very big difference between those two phrases. One puts the person first and the other puts the disability first.

Doctor's appointments, picking up medications, fighting for modifications and DME (I hope you never need to know what that stands for but in case you don't know it means durable medical equipment). It's easy for ME to get lost. So lately I've been trying to really put my self first. It hasn't been easy. One way I've been doing that (and it will sound stupid) is with my teeth.

Having had a brain tumor has made me terrified to go to the dentist. I'm scared of getting x-rays of my head and that the drill will hurt my plates and maybe make a screw come loose. I'm pretty positive these fears are irrational. I have a good dentist who sees my family and who knows about my brain surgery. They've agreed to make accommodations and do whatever I need to make me comfortable. 

So I've been brushing twice a day (I used to never brush in the mornings) and I bought a water pick that I've been using at night. I'm trying to take better care of my teeth leading up to my appointment (and noooo, not just the day before thank you very much!)

The other thing I'm doing is trying to take very good care of my skin. And I was rewarded with yet another fever blister. My second in a single month. I think something is going on with my immune system. -sigh-

One way I take care of my skin is I rarely wear makeup. Like maybe once a week. What do you think. Better with, or without?

Weirdly enough I think my eyes pop more without makeup. Strange! Though I do like covering up my old fever blister scar more with makeup. 

But I think it's not makeup that makes one attractive but an authentic smile. Don't you? One that comes from deep down after taking time out to see friends or family after an afternoon of taking good care of yourself. 

The in-between times

So much of having a chronic illness is waiting. Some people wait for surgery or chemo treatments. I wait for brain MRI's, doctors appointments and testing.

But my life can't just be ALL about my illness(s). So what about the in-between times? In-between the doctors appointments, medical testing, waiting, symptoms trying to take over... what do I do then? 

Well, one of the things I like to do is keep up on my henna head. This time I went to my mom's hotel room and she did it for me. It was much easier than getting all the little spots myself and it came out lovely. 

Another thing I do a lot of (as much as I can really) is rest. I try and nap every day. Usually between two and three and a half hours. And no. It never effects my night time sleep. I sleep like a rock (usually). Aside from my puppy I also snuggle my giant stuffed shark "Bruce" and of course, my husband. 

I also find small things to lift my spirits. Having bright fingernails is one of those things I like to do. I used to have a tradition of painting my nails in a sparkle polish before any big test. I used to tell people "It's impossible to feel stressed with sparkly fairy nails!" That's a motto I still hold to.

On that note, I'm going to take a nap and paint my nails.

Next up... "Plan Kick Ass" update. 

Beginner's Mind

Today we went to our little Farmers Market and ran some errands. I was practicing a Zen Buddhist technique I read about a long time ago called “Beginner's Mind.” It’s just as it sounds. You approach an experience like it’s the first time you’ve ever done it. The point is to keep you grounded in the present moment more and eliminate expectations (which in return should reduce or eliminate any feelings of annoyance, impatience or irritation.) 

Today I imagined that we’re away on vacation and going to visit a local farmer’s market that I’ve never been to before. Then I tried my best to see everything like it was the first time. Sure enough! I really enjoyed the experience, even more than I think I would have.

It also didn’t hurt that they finally have blackberries in! Getting a bag of bursting blackberries and eating it then and there while shopping is my favorite thing about the summer market. They are always the best blackberries ever. I could have taken the exercise even further by imagining that I'd never eaten a blackberry before, but I was too greedy. 

Another side benefit to "Beginner's Mind" that I noticed is that I was so wrapped up in what was happening in the present moment that it was easier to ignore my physical pain. It was still there and I still noticed it too, but it was a little quieter. This is something I'll try and incorporate more into my day-to-day.