"Look at me. I am the captain now."

The other day I realized that I am once again the captain of my life. For so many years I slipped behind my illness, too weak to have autonomy or do very much on my own. My illness dictated...

• What I wore: Lose clothes that were easy to put on and take off. No bra. That was too much work. Or sometimes just wearing pajamas all day.
• Who took me places: I couldn't drive myself anywhere anymore and I relied on others completely.
• What I ate: I couldn't cook very much and preparing food was draining. I'd have easy gluten free options. Mostly I'd eat what my husband and mother would purchase and cook. 
• When I did things: I was always on other people's clock's. And I'd have a huge nap around 1-2PM, so that would cut into my day in a major way.

My illness even controlled my love life. There was no part of me untouched by my mitochondrial disease. But now...

Now it's all so fresh and new. I have the energy to wear whatever I want. I can drive myself to the store AND cook a meal myself. I can bathe, dress and put on some makeup if I want to, when I want to. These all sound like such small, basic things. Each one, each experience, is something I had been robbed of these last five years.

I also now have opinions. I get to have even more of a "say" in my day-to-day. For example, my sweet mother who loves to cook offered to bring snacks and food for us to the gym when we go. Instead I told her I wanted to do my own food. I love her food, but I missed that autonomy and the simple act of caring for myself through food. 

Suddenly I am the captain now. I'm back in control of my time, body and life. I still have mitochondrial disease. Just now it's more of a passenger rather than the captain. 

What I Can Control

There's so much about my body that I can't control. I have no say over my pain, migraines, dizziness, cramps, spasms, blurred vision, brain fog, fatigue... well... anything. There are some things that I can control however. One of them is my dental health.

No control

I have always been afraid of the dentist. I remember being very young and having a dentist literally lay his arm across my face as he worked on me. Another had the worst breath you can imagine that he breathed right on my face for what felt like hours as he inflicted nothing but pain. I thought intense pain was just part of the dental deal and all dentists were sick sadists.

As an older adult I finally found a good one. Though good dentists always seemed to hire evil hygienists who were awful. So it was common for me to go years and years with no dental care. 

I swore 2020 would be my year to get caught up on my dental care. I had finally found a good dentist who had been gentle with my son, so I thought I might be in ok hands. 

Let's Go!

Luckily I was right about the new dentist and everything went well. I'm now all caught up and can just keep up with my cleanings instead of needing expensive, painful work done. And he made sure it didn't hurt! YAY! I met my goal of catching up on my dental care this year and I feel really proud about that.

Now I'm on a roll and am working on getting a whiter smile with just those white strips you can buy. I like my fangs and crooked smile, but want them to be nice and clean looking. That's something I can fix and control.