"Look at me. I am the captain now."

The other day I realized that I am once again the captain of my life. For so many years I slipped behind my illness, too weak to have autonomy or do very much on my own. My illness dictated...

• What I wore: Lose clothes that were easy to put on and take off. No bra. That was too much work. Or sometimes just wearing pajamas all day.
• Who took me places: I couldn't drive myself anywhere anymore and I relied on others completely.
• What I ate: I couldn't cook very much and preparing food was draining. I'd have easy gluten free options. Mostly I'd eat what my husband and mother would purchase and cook. 
• When I did things: I was always on other people's clock's. And I'd have a huge nap around 1-2PM, so that would cut into my day in a major way.

My illness even controlled my love life. There was no part of me untouched by my mitochondrial disease. But now...

Now it's all so fresh and new. I have the energy to wear whatever I want. I can drive myself to the store AND cook a meal myself. I can bathe, dress and put on some makeup if I want to, when I want to. These all sound like such small, basic things. Each one, each experience, is something I had been robbed of these last five years.

I also now have opinions. I get to have even more of a "say" in my day-to-day. For example, my sweet mother who loves to cook offered to bring snacks and food for us to the gym when we go. Instead I told her I wanted to do my own food. I love her food, but I missed that autonomy and the simple act of caring for myself through food. 

Suddenly I am the captain now. I'm back in control of my time, body and life. I still have mitochondrial disease. Just now it's more of a passenger rather than the captain.