Best Christmas Yet

Oh boy! Do I ever have a lot to be thankful for this year. I feel like every wishbone, birthday candle and dandelion I've found over the last five years have paid off. And now it is the holiday season. My first one as a re-abled person. The first one I can stay awake all through in five years. You bet your sweet ass that I'm "walking in a winter wonderland." Or almost... it's still 80* outside where I live.

Holiday shopping excitement!

I've already warned my husband that Christmas is going to be a very big deal at our house this year. I'm putting up every string of lights we own, crafting till my fingers blister from my hot glue gun and kissing every creature I encounter under the mistletoe. I already bought seven Christmas trees. Ok... it's not what you think. They're all very small. But still! I'm one jolly lady over here!

O' Christmas Tree O' Christmas Tree...

We'll be having our first Thanksgiving feast this Saturday. For some of our friends it will be the first time they've seen me up and walking in five years. Everyone I know has been using the word "miracle" - myself included. So what better time to celebrate than the winter holidays? I'm going to shine brighter than the brightest Christmas lights this year with joy.

My Colorful Life

Every day since mid-August (two short months ago) I pinch myself. I can't help but think "Is this how 'normal' people feel? Like allllll the time?" It baffles me. I can't remember a time when I had this... much... energy. Seriously. Not when I was a kid. Not as a teen. Not as an adult. I wonder how long I've actually had symptoms of this disease?

Here's what I've been doing with this new energy source.

• Friends old and new. Relationships outside of my family have been incredibly hard to manage with my crippling fatigue. It feels fantastic to be able to devote some time to my friends. And I've made a few new ones recently. Nothing I could have even considered before.
  
  
  
  
  
• Gardening. My husband said the other day that I've "taken over the entire garden." He said it in a good way. He's been incredibly busy. 
  
  
  
  
  
• Home decorating. My house was in need of a facelift. I'm in the process of painting our fireplace wall and getting my home ready for some company.
  
  
  
  
  
• Entertaining. Having friends and family in our home before was exhausting. My husband had to do most of the work. It wasn't unusual for me to have to leave mid-party to go and sleep. I'm looking forward to winter holiday entertaining while conscious.
  
  
  
  
  
• Working out. I'm enjoying the gym very much. I took a yoga class for the first time yesterday. I loved it, but not as much as Zumba. I'm a high energy person now and have fun dancing with a room full of other people.
  
  
  
  
  
• Max. Poor Max. Before he would be stuck sleeping with me all day. Now I walk him twice a day (weather permitting) and he's with me as much as possible. Just this morning I walked him around the block. Now he's about to come with me to the store. Later today we're meeting a friend for tea. He's my little "adventure buddy" and he loves it.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
• My hobbies. My husband and I recently did a Raku workshop that was long and intense. It was also located on a farm. Not wheelchair friendly at all. Nothing I could have done before, even if I had the energy for it. 
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  

I can't explain what it means to feel fully alive again. I didn't get my "life" back. Instead I gained new experiences, new relationships and a more engaging future. My life is richer. Fuller. It feels like the movie The Wizard of Oz when it goes from black and white to color. My life as a sick person was black and white. Now it is so full of color that it's blinding.

Feelings About Being "Re-Abled"

Going from being severely disabled to suddenly able bodied again has been a whiplash experience. I'm "RE-ABLED!" A term I just made up. 

So what's it like being re-abled? Wonderful, scary, thrilling, terrifying... I have so many thoughts and feelings about what happened and is happening to me. Thankfully I also have a place to vent and record these shocking events.

Part of me feels like an alien who was just given a human body. I have to figure out how far I can walk, how to coordinate my movements. It's an odd sensation. I literally tell myself "keep your back straight, keep even weight on each leg, don't take too big a stride, don't forget to breathe." It's like when you're on vacation and you drive a rental car for the first time. It's familiar and yet not all at once.

Speaking of driving, I also started doing that again this week. It felt wonderful, empowering and a bit scary. "What if I hit someone? What if I slam on the break?" I have had quite a noisy head this week.

My fears mostly stem from two thoughts. "What if this all goes away?" And "What are my limits?"

I've had a recurring dream the whole time I've been disabled where I'm running, soaring, jumping and walking really far, then suddenly I can't do it anymore and I don't have my wheelchair or any other mobility aide with me. I'm crawling across the floor (or down stairs) trying to get help while my muscles systematically shut down. It's not a good dream.

That dream is in my mind as I walk around my block with my husband and my puppy. With each step I take I'm very aware of the two thoughts "I'm doing it!" And "Will it last?"

My muscles also are not used to walking. Even thought I've been swimming all summer that tones up very different muscles. I feel very heavy and awkward on land. My hips, thighs and lower back all hurt when I walk. It feels like they just aren't used to it and need to be built up. So I'm torn between being so excited and wanting to walk everywhere and not wanting to "over do it" and end up with an injury. (I'm still recovering from bursitis.)

All of these things feel like waking up from a coma. They're all activities I used to do, but haven't done in five+ years. I love the freedom and that makes me incredibly happy and excited. I feel nothing but love and encouragement from those around me.

Now my wheelchair is starting to look like an un-used treadmill. Covered in clothes. Meanwhile I'm out walking and driving. WOW!