Feelings About Being "Re-Abled"

Going from being severely disabled to suddenly able bodied again has been a whiplash experience. I'm "RE-ABLED!" A term I just made up. 

So what's it like being re-abled? Wonderful, scary, thrilling, terrifying... I have so many thoughts and feelings about what happened and is happening to me. Thankfully I also have a place to vent and record these shocking events.

Part of me feels like an alien who was just given a human body. I have to figure out how far I can walk, how to coordinate my movements. It's an odd sensation. I literally tell myself "keep your back straight, keep even weight on each leg, don't take too big a stride, don't forget to breathe." It's like when you're on vacation and you drive a rental car for the first time. It's familiar and yet not all at once.

Speaking of driving, I also started doing that again this week. It felt wonderful, empowering and a bit scary. "What if I hit someone? What if I slam on the break?" I have had quite a noisy head this week.

My fears mostly stem from two thoughts. "What if this all goes away?" And "What are my limits?"

I've had a recurring dream the whole time I've been disabled where I'm running, soaring, jumping and walking really far, then suddenly I can't do it anymore and I don't have my wheelchair or any other mobility aide with me. I'm crawling across the floor (or down stairs) trying to get help while my muscles systematically shut down. It's not a good dream.

That dream is in my mind as I walk around my block with my husband and my puppy. With each step I take I'm very aware of the two thoughts "I'm doing it!" And "Will it last?"

My muscles also are not used to walking. Even thought I've been swimming all summer that tones up very different muscles. I feel very heavy and awkward on land. My hips, thighs and lower back all hurt when I walk. It feels like they just aren't used to it and need to be built up. So I'm torn between being so excited and wanting to walk everywhere and not wanting to "over do it" and end up with an injury. (I'm still recovering from bursitis.)

All of these things feel like waking up from a coma. They're all activities I used to do, but haven't done in five+ years. I love the freedom and that makes me incredibly happy and excited. I feel nothing but love and encouragement from those around me.

Now my wheelchair is starting to look like an un-used treadmill. Covered in clothes. Meanwhile I'm out walking and driving. WOW!