Marking the Occasion

My mom asked me today how I feel when I look at old pictures of me using my wheelchair. Well... "old" being anything older than three months ago. It is an excellent question. I feel many things. Shock at how ill I was. Pride that I still fought to have a slice of rich life. Empathy for myself and what I went through. Sadness that I struggled so much. Fear about a relapse. Joy at being able bodied again. Many mixed emotions.

I said I felt that I barely registered COVID when it happened. I had already been traumatized about air born diseases after contracting tuberculosis. That was scary. But during COVID I was just struggling to bathe and get dressed. Worry about COVID was energy I didn't really have. I let others worry for me.

But now I am able bodied. And getting stronger every day.

I'm a huge "commemorator." I felt this need to commemorate this time in my life. 

I've always loved mermaids and felt that I secretly am one. I adore all water and was an absolute fish as a kid. I lived in the pool every single summer. So when I became disabled I would joke that it's just my body finally transforming into a real mermaid. So what better way to honor surviving the last few years?

I bought myself this sterling and aquamarine mermaid ring a few weeks ago off Etsy. I can't wait for it to come. I love that she's not naked with her titties hanging there. You'd be surprised how much mermaid stuff is tacky like that. I like that there's two. One for the past and one for the future. The mermaid I was and the mermaid I am yet to be. Stronger than ever.

Social Diva

One of the things I hugely missed during the years of my illness was having a social life. I was able to have just enough, little tastes here and there, to make me wistful for my old days full of get-togethers. Mostly women friends, laughing, sharing our thoughts. I think friendships make us better. All relationships, but friendships especially. Friends broaden our ways of thinking and build our confidence.

Lately I have had a whirlwind of new and wonderful friendships. I met a woman through my husband's work who is delightful. We are very close to the same age and although we don't have a lot in common on the surface, we do underneath. I knew from the moment I met her that we are soul sisters. I enjoy her company tremendously and am grateful each time we are together that I have the energy for her friendship.

Recently we met her partner and to my great joy my husband got along swimmingly with him. This is our second couple friendship in less than a month. Where we love both people. Wow! That's incredibly rare. I feel very lucky.

Max got to come too!

This past weekend I was busy three days in a row. Something that would have been un-thinkable when I was ill. It felt rich. Like a bath in warm buttermilk, I felt enveloped and fully alive basking in the conversation and friendship of others. We are social creatures and I'm just beginning to realize how devastatingly isolating illness is.

Our California sunset. So beautiful.

 

Five Years Later...

Sometimes I like to go back in my blog and see what was happening five years ago that month. In November 2018 I purchased my first wheelchair and received my first accurate diagnosis of Metabolic Myopathy. It feels more like ten or 20 years ago. 

The world was without Covid. I was still working full time. My mother was still living in England (not right around the corner.) Life was incredibly different.

Right now I have the luxury of time. I'm able to spend the bulk of my time rebuilding my body. I often feel like the bionic woman. Remember her?

I'm being re-built one trip to the gym at a time.

Five years ago my body was changing in ways that terrified me. Now I'm changing in ways that are thrilling. I see my muscles getting stronger. Change I can actually see! Daily! Change that I'm causing by my actions, not that I'm a victim of. It feels amazing.

Best Christmas Yet

Oh boy! Do I ever have a lot to be thankful for this year. I feel like every wishbone, birthday candle and dandelion I've found over the last five years have paid off. And now it is the holiday season. My first one as a re-abled person. The first one I can stay awake all through in five years. You bet your sweet ass that I'm "walking in a winter wonderland." Or almost... it's still 80* outside where I live.

Holiday shopping excitement!

I've already warned my husband that Christmas is going to be a very big deal at our house this year. I'm putting up every string of lights we own, crafting till my fingers blister from my hot glue gun and kissing every creature I encounter under the mistletoe. I already bought seven Christmas trees. Ok... it's not what you think. They're all very small. But still! I'm one jolly lady over here!

O' Christmas Tree O' Christmas Tree...

We'll be having our first Thanksgiving feast this Saturday. For some of our friends it will be the first time they've seen me up and walking in five years. Everyone I know has been using the word "miracle" - myself included. So what better time to celebrate than the winter holidays? I'm going to shine brighter than the brightest Christmas lights this year with joy.