My Brain Is Back!

It's not just my muscle strength, stamina and energy that have returned to me. I can also feel my mind becoming sharper each day. This is very exciting to me because it means I can go back to work at some point. I gave up a career that I loved when I could no longer focus or retain what was being said to me. My short term memory and recall were both terribly impacted by my mitochondrial disease. Both are vital to my work.

I also had physical coordination issues that made working on the computer for any prolonged period a serious challenge. Then there was the fatigue. Sorry, that makes it not sound so bad. I mean FATIGUE! The worst of the lot. Actually they all suck. There is no winner here, just me losing all my faculties.

I could tell when I was recently able to play games again that I was starting to recover. Then when I was able to win a few... well... I can't even express how thrilling that was. And not just because I'm competitive. It meant that my brain was getting back online.

Now that I reflect I'm astonished at how well my body ran during that time when I was so terribly ill. How my brain and body worked at all? I think it was just sheer stubbornness and will on my part. Of course I wouldn't feel up to playing games. I could barely function.

The longer I'm at the gym the kinder I feel towards my body and the miracle that is me. I've been through so much physically and mentally. No wonder COVID had a minimal impact on me mentally. I was already in my own hellish war. Now I'm working my way back to health. Trying to shake damaging eating patterns. Attempting to nurture myself inside and out. I feel so incredibly lucky that my brain didn't check out completely and I can feel everything coming back online.

My Colorful Life

Every day since mid-August (two short months ago) I pinch myself. I can't help but think "Is this how 'normal' people feel? Like allllll the time?" It baffles me. I can't remember a time when I had this... much... energy. Seriously. Not when I was a kid. Not as a teen. Not as an adult. I wonder how long I've actually had symptoms of this disease?

Here's what I've been doing with this new energy source.

• Friends old and new. Relationships outside of my family have been incredibly hard to manage with my crippling fatigue. It feels fantastic to be able to devote some time to my friends. And I've made a few new ones recently. Nothing I could have even considered before.
  
  
  
  
  
• Gardening. My husband said the other day that I've "taken over the entire garden." He said it in a good way. He's been incredibly busy. 
  
  
  
  
  
• Home decorating. My house was in need of a facelift. I'm in the process of painting our fireplace wall and getting my home ready for some company.
  
  
  
  
  
• Entertaining. Having friends and family in our home before was exhausting. My husband had to do most of the work. It wasn't unusual for me to have to leave mid-party to go and sleep. I'm looking forward to winter holiday entertaining while conscious.
  
  
  
  
  
• Working out. I'm enjoying the gym very much. I took a yoga class for the first time yesterday. I loved it, but not as much as Zumba. I'm a high energy person now and have fun dancing with a room full of other people.
  
  
  
  
  
• Max. Poor Max. Before he would be stuck sleeping with me all day. Now I walk him twice a day (weather permitting) and he's with me as much as possible. Just this morning I walked him around the block. Now he's about to come with me to the store. Later today we're meeting a friend for tea. He's my little "adventure buddy" and he loves it.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
• My hobbies. My husband and I recently did a Raku workshop that was long and intense. It was also located on a farm. Not wheelchair friendly at all. Nothing I could have done before, even if I had the energy for it. 
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  

I can't explain what it means to feel fully alive again. I didn't get my "life" back. Instead I gained new experiences, new relationships and a more engaging future. My life is richer. Fuller. It feels like the movie The Wizard of Oz when it goes from black and white to color. My life as a sick person was black and white. Now it is so full of color that it's blinding.

Finding A Rhythm

It has been a month now since my mom and I joined a gym together. We've been going regularly four days a week. That's a lot for bodies that up to now have only been in the pool with water weights. I say "only" but girl we slayyyyyyed in that pool! 

It still feels so strange to be able to do "normal" activities WALKING!

We're game for a change and tried most of their classes together. I was able to go back to doing zumba (HUGE YAY!) My big love from before I became disabled. My mom found out she loves water zumba. We are women who love to dance. 

I have discovered that right now I can really commit to three days a week. Monday, Wednesday and Friday. I need some recovery time and time to walk. I'm still working on my walking muscles too. Our gym has a fantastic track that goes through the second story. It reminds me of the train ride at Disneyland that takes you through all the lands. I can see the pool below me, see people behind glass taking a fitness class, others doing machines and weights. That makes it fun. 

But nothing beats walking this love bundle...

Max has been left at home while I'm at the gym. He was home when I would swim before, but it feels like a longer amount of time now (even though it's not). Most of the time he's not even alone. My husband works from home all but two days a week. We're talking about getting him a little sister next year. We'll see. Pets are expensive no matter how small they are.

In the meantime I'm finding my new rhythm knowing even this phase won't last forever. I'm just here, doing my best, enjoying each moment at it comes.

Hello Body! Nice to Meet You!

This is the third week my mother and I have been going to our new gym. We have been trying to go five days a week and making it four. Something always seems to come up once a week. So far that "something" has been me feeling ill.

When we joined the gym we were give two free sessions with one of their trainers. That's pretty typical for around here. My guy was great. He's a pro boxer very into fitness. I told him my story and he was amazed. Then he had me do 60 squats. 

Punching things is FUN!

I had on my knee brace to help support my larger, painful knee. So I thought all was good and I could do anything he told me to with zero problems. It went down a bit like this. We spent a lovely 45 minutes together with him taking me from machine to machine lifting between 40-20lbs. I pushed myself HARD and did it all. I was even rewarded with him declaring me "feisty" when I tried to jump the gun on a few seconds of rest to do more. That's my nature. I push. 

Also... I like impressing people. I enjoy finding my limits physically. And as I told him. "It feels good to have some pain that I'm causing. Not that's happening TO me and that I have no control over." The results? Basically my body heard me say that and went "You like pain lady? Here's some pain for you!" 

Uh oh. I over did it BIG TIME! I mean "want to scream just trying to sit down on the toilet" level of over doing it. 

At first I felt mad at the trainer for pushing me so hard. I mean, he SHOULD have known better, right? Wrong. The person who pushed so hard was me. I was the one who should have known better. I should have been listening to those pain signals and realized I was going to be in a world of trouble if I didn't reign it in. It's my body. It's me.

Not even the hot tub could save me from this poor choice.

In my defence, I'm still getting to know... well... me! And I'm naturally "feisty" and a limit pusher. I tend to go in whole hog, then pull back later. That's just my nature. I'm not a "dip my toe in the water" type of person. Hence that often leading to injury.

So here I am two days later still in a lot of pain. Last night before bed I took: 1 prescription muscle relaxer, 3 Ibuprophen, 2 Acetaminophen and when that didn't work finally a CBD/THC gummy. Then I was able to get to sleep. Lesson learned. I want to/need to get used to pulling back and listening more to my body signals.