The Chronic Fatigue Sled

I've been in a tough spot the last few weeks both physically and mentally. I've been pushing myself really hard physically to try and have a "normal" life. Cleaning my house to have company over, entertaining my sister and baby nephew, cooking for them, cooking dinner every night, walking the dogs, playing with the dogs, feeding the dogs, holding the dogs, doing laundry, cleaning our bathroom, vacuuming, corresponding with friends and family. All of this has led to a series of crashes where I can't seem to sleep at night or get out of bed during the day.

I'm also trying out a new pain medication that could be giving me insomnia and more fatigue. I'm not sure since I always have both pretty consistently. 

Me on an Icelandic Glacier 11 years ago when I was healthy

This morning when I just couldn't get up, even though I was mentally excited to go swimming with my mom and spend the afternoon with her, I had a thought. The weight on my body dragging me into bed feels very physical to me. The way I push myself every day and how hard I push feels incredibly physical and mental. Beyond what healthy people experience.

I realized that I felt like one of those arctic sled dogs. Alone and hooked up to a sled weighed down with boulders. On a regular day I push and push through the snow trying to make progress on a steep mountain. So steep I can't even see the top of it. 

Then I just can't go on anymore and I collapse. Sliding back down the trail. Letting the sled pull me down.

When I've recovered enough I start pushing again. Running up the snow, pulling the sled. The weight of the sled may change depending on what's going on with my body. The only thing I know for sure is that I have this urge to keep pulling it up and that back sliding is un-avoidable. 

Days like today feel like that. Like the weight of the sled was just too much and it pulled me back into bed as time slid past me. Well into the late afternoon I was finally able to get up. I feel the pull of needing to accomplish things. Anything. And I push again.

I think what I need to learn to do is pull a little and rest. Pull a little and rest. I need to implement my vacation rules. No more than one big thing per day. 

And if there are days where I just stay in bed and rest... that's ok to.

Fears

I had my eyes checked at the end of August and bought a pair of expensive glasses. Then a few weeks ago I needed more contact lenses, but my current prescription was feeling a tad weak. I went back to my eye doctor and he re-checked me. Within four months my eyes had changed a little for the worse. But that's not all...

I feel like I don't see quite as well as I used to when I'm driving. Especially at night. Part of mitochondrial disease is having compromised eye sight. That scares me.

I don't take any minute for granted with my muscles. Knowing that I still have mitochondrial dysfunction makes me fear a relapse. That I'll suddenly not be able to walk or use my muscles anymore.

Taking joy in my pottery with my cute new glasses

I combat these fears with fitness. Working out makes me aware of my body and its limits. I enjoy it. I miss it when I don't do it. I especially love Yoga. Which is a big surprise. I love how aware I am of my body when I do it. It has also helped me the most with my strength and flexibility. Being able to lift my arms above my head is a thrilling accomplishment and I feel I have Yoga to thank for it.

When I exercise it verifies what my body can do. What I'm capable of. Not what might happen in the future. Today I am strong and can still see. Yay!