Still Grieving

In the 4 1/2 years I've been writing this blog I've only done one post on grief. And even that one I managed to twist into a hair post. Hah! That sounds just like me. Grief is hard. It's hard to talk about, write about and to go through.

Sometimes I'll be talking about a new symptom or pain I'm going through and I'll just start crying. I'm often surprised by my emotions around my illness. They like to sneak up on me. For me my grief is often masked by my upbeat positivity. But this is a very thin crust. Poke it just a little and I crumble.

My life is nothing like what I thought it would be. I have had my MFT license for three years now and haven't been able to use it. I worked 10 years to get that license and have my "dream job" of being a psychotherapist. Only to watch that future slip through my fingers.

I thought I would be contributing financially so the burden wouldn't all be on my partner. So he could retire early and not have to stress about money so much. Instead I'm worried he has an ulcer from his stressful job. It sucks. Bad.

I thought I'd be able to walk and run for much much longer. I thought I'd have a pain-free life. Or... you know. At least a normal amount of pain. I never could have imagined I'd have migraines, plates and screws in my skull, the level of forgetfulness that I struggle with, not be able to take a bath because I can't get in and out of the tub... (This could be a very long list.)

Yes, it could be worse.
Yes, many people are in similar situations.

But it's still ok for me to grieve my massive loss. And for those close to me to grieve too. It's bullshit that I can't work. That my body does nothing but fail me.
I'm angry.
And sad.

And I'm entitled to feel that way and to let it all out every now and then. 

Permanent disability denial

Well... THAT was fast!
It turns out I don't qualify for any form of disability other than State Temporary Disability. The very nice representative for Federal Disability explained that there are two ways to qualify for "permanent disability" and two forms of it (so that's three kinds total! WHAAA!?!) 

1. You have worked pretty much continuously for pay for the last 10 years. I think that number fluctuates based on your age. For me it was 10 years.
2. You and your partner (if you legally have one) are legally low income (including your assets like car, home, etc.)

Taking a dog "walk" (roll) break

He told us that unfair as it is being in school or a full time parent for the last 10 years doesn't count for anything according to the government. You need to have been paying into the social security system to be able to draw on it in any way before retirement age.

Also your partner working for 10 years doesn't count for anything if you're still together. But their income and assets count against you for the second type. 

I told my husband I don't know why they even call it "Disability" if your disability isn't the first thing they consider? Bottom line, the American government doesn't part with money easily (unless you're a corporate investor in the political system?) It's very messed up.

Overall I'd recommend applying over the phone. Just skip the online process completely. Also call your local office, not their main number. It's much faster to get through. Even if you think you may not qualify it's still worth applying because you never know. Same for temporary disability.

I'm grateful to a friend in my Muscular Dystrophy support group for encouraging me to apply for temporary disability even before I knew I would need it. I was very resistant when he first brought it up, but I did end up needing it and it has been a real life saver.

My puppy was helpful when I got stressed and sad.

So, I'm still unable to work and my benefits will max out soon. That means all the financial burden and pressure is on my husband, which I HATE! It really upsets me to not be able to make any money right now and YES! I feel like even more of a burden, which is an awful feeling.

He tells me all the time that I'm not. And logically my head knows it too. But you can feel much differently about something even if you know the situation is a contradiction. I FEEEEEEEEEEL like a burden period.