Still Grieving

In the 4 1/2 years I've been writing this blog I've only done one post on grief. And even that one I managed to twist into a hair post. Hah! That sounds just like me. Grief is hard. It's hard to talk about, write about and to go through.

Sometimes I'll be talking about a new symptom or pain I'm going through and I'll just start crying. I'm often surprised by my emotions around my illness. They like to sneak up on me. For me my grief is often masked by my upbeat positivity. But this is a very thin crust. Poke it just a little and I crumble.

My life is nothing like what I thought it would be. I have had my MFT license for three years now and haven't been able to use it. I worked 10 years to get that license and have my "dream job" of being a psychotherapist. Only to watch that future slip through my fingers.

I thought I would be contributing financially so the burden wouldn't all be on my partner. So he could retire early and not have to stress about money so much. Instead I'm worried he has an ulcer from his stressful job. It sucks. Bad.

I thought I'd be able to walk and run for much much longer. I thought I'd have a pain-free life. Or... you know. At least a normal amount of pain. I never could have imagined I'd have migraines, plates and screws in my skull, the level of forgetfulness that I struggle with, not be able to take a bath because I can't get in and out of the tub... (This could be a very long list.)

Yes, it could be worse.
Yes, many people are in similar situations.

But it's still ok for me to grieve my massive loss. And for those close to me to grieve too. It's bullshit that I can't work. That my body does nothing but fail me.
I'm angry.
And sad.

And I'm entitled to feel that way and to let it all out every now and then.