Disability 6 months in

You'd think after being off of work for six months that I'd be more adjusted and used to it then I am. But I'm not. I was recently approved to take my licensure exam, which when I pass, will be the pinnacle of what I went to school for. That's IF I can pass. Even if I can't actually work in this field again it's important to me personally to achieve that goal.

My symptoms are still worsening and my muscle weakness seems to be getting a little worse. It's mostly that constant pain that's worse. I always feel like I've been stretched on a medieval torture rack. 

Then there's the bad dreams. I have a recurring dream where I'm starting off walking fine, but then the pain sets in and I can no longer walk. I'm stranded somewhere with something I'm trying to do usually on my belly crawling. It's really stressful.

I also still think about my clients and my job that I had to leave behind. I don't feel like I have a "new life" or any kind of a "new normal" at all. Especially not with the world in chaos right now and trying to keep healthy. I feel stressed, upset and just heavy. Emotionally and physically. 

So rather than moan any more here's what I'm doing right now that helps me.

Ok, so that was going to be it... followed by another list of happy helpful things. But then I realized:
1) I'm not "moaning" I'm sharing important feelings.
2) It's my blog and I can write about whatever the f*@& I feel like.
3) I have no idea where this pressure to "not complain" on my own blog is coming from, but it's worth looking into.
4) I have a right to my own feelings.
5) Why am I underplaying things that are a big deal? Trying to brush them off? For me? For others? It IS a big deal and that's ok.
6) Where the F*$% did that come from anyway?
7) Yes I am disabled. Yes it sucks. It's ok that for now there's a period at the end of that statement.
8) Everything I do hurts me. It's just a matter of how much and is it worth it. I know I'm not alone in that, but sometimes it feels like I am.
9) Being me right now is exhausting. 
10) I hope my doctor gets back to me so we can try and find something else that will help.

(I'm not in the mood for pictures today, and that's ok too.)

Painsomnia

Painsomnia is when you're in too much pain to sleep. I've had a nasty head cold lately (and a beauty of a cold sore) and when I'm sick my body pain level usually skyrockets. The last few nights I've been in bed trying everything I can to get to sleep. Night time cold medicine, Ibuprofen PM... nothing seems to help.

When my pain gets this bad I usually just try and distract myself into a state of ultra sleepiness by messing around on my iPhone. Pinterest is my go-to. I found myself doing some last minute Christmas shopping last night. "Design Home" is my favorite app. I've played it for years. I find it relaxing and a fun way to unwind. 

If I'm getting busy brain or feeling worried looking at animal "pins" or humor is helpful. Baby animals cure everything. 

My sweet girl is also helpful. 

I can't force sleep. She will come when she's ready. Bottom line is I'm lucky to not have to get up and go to work on only a few hours sleep. It really screws me up. If I'm up late with painsomnia I feel super dizzy and foggy headed the next day. I will also likely have a migraine. 

I'm lucky not to have this happen every night, but it does seem to happen back to back nights when it does come up. Being sick with a bug is almost always a guarantee that it will happen. It also seriously affects my mood. Bah Humbug!