Finding Stillness

Spring is such an absolute flurry of noise, color and action. Nature tells us it's the time to "GO GO GO!" This week however I find myself yearning for some stillness. I've been sleeping even more than usual. I didn't get up till almost 11 this morning, even though I slept great. I feel like a groggy bear just out of hibernation now forced to fish and be active.

My mom and I have been trying to swim daily rather than three times a week. We made it five days last week. The most by far that I've swam. It felt good for my body. I felt proud emotionally. I also felt pretty exhausted energy wise. I figured out each time I swim takes around three hours. About an hour to get ready (suit on, sunblock on, pack bag...), then we swim for a full hour. Then an hour to shower, lotion, freshen up... So about three hours total. It also makes me very hungry.

Maybe that's why I didn't lose any weight at all the entire month of May? June is later this week, so I'll try and try again. But back to my energy.

After such a busy week and pushing myself to walk as much as I can I think I just shut down a little. My Botox was delayed again and my face has been hurting. Especially where my craniotomy plates are. I'm hoping to get in to see my neurologist soon. The Botox is a must have. So that could also be part of why I feel so slow this week.

I also feel a bit empty spiritually, which I don't like. I looked up at the moon last night and I couldn't remember the last time I did so. I used to track the moon cycles and star gaze frequently. Somehow I fell out of the habit. I'd like to make more space in my life for my spirituality. 

It can be difficult to find stillness in the noise of a full life. It takes intention. Giving myself a pause. Or a huge sleep. Just following the flow of what I need.

I'm a pretty big deal

My strength is gaining and I'm feeling good about gently pushing myself. I feel a bit stronger every day. Today was the biggest push yet. I used a shopping cart when we went to Trader Joe's.

I picked this store because it's very small, the parking is very close to the door, I know it well and if I couldn't do it they have electric carts right outside the door, so I wouldn't even have to bring my chair. 

As you can see I did do it! My entire shopping list. I felt like such a freaking bad ass!

I felt like my organs were shifting down as I walked. It occurred to be that sitting in a chair does squash everything down, so I'm sure that they are needing to re-adjust. What a weird thought. 

Towards the end I was starting to sweat a little bit and feel fatigued. My muscles still felt strong, but I felt tired.

We guessed that I shopped for at least 30minutes. I'm so impressed and proud. It felt like a good stretch of my physical abilities. 

Feeling Stronger

Back in November I thought I was going to be using my chair 100% of the time by now. Instead I feel like I'm getting stronger. I talked about pushing myself last month. I pushed through a pain threshold that I didn't think I could stand. This showed me that maybe I'm capable of doing more than I thought I could do. Then I started trying to do more physically then I thought that I could.

I'm still doing that. Swimming, gardening, house work and pushing. I'm listening to my body, but I'm pushing it too. Pushing hard like this is new for me. It's painful, but it's working. My strength and stamina are both building.

I explained the pain to my doctor like this. Most people acclimate to the pain of an activity the more they do it. Maybe it only hurts the first few times and then you adjust. For me it hurts every single time. The pain is there and it is constant. And I mean 24-7 pain that would likely put most people in bed. I just push through it.

I tell my husband that if I'm going to be in pain anyway I'd rather be moving and doing things in pain and having the distraction than laying around in pain with nothing but the pain to think about. Even if it causes me more pain to be physical, it's worth it to be stronger.

Pushing to me doesn't mean inflicting something on myself that's impossible or where I'll get hurt. I use my support tools like my walker, back brace, cane, whatever I need. Then I just see if I can do it (whatever I'm trying to do.) Just test the waters. If it feels ok I do more and more. If not then I stop.

Yesterday I was able to walk around our block with my walker. Something I haven't been able to do since last June. Today I took my walker to my medical appointment instead of my chair. I was comfortably able to do it and it felt amazing! I feel very proud that I'm finding my limits every day. Stretching myself to build muscle and do my best.

ADA Progress!

I mentioned in a previous blog post how we are re-working our home to make it  more disabled friendly. The focus right now is on our living room. As it was before I could hardly even get out the door with my chair as we had a big couch right in the way. I'm thrilled to say that we've made some major progress.

Instead of a hulking entertainment center we now have a hulking TV (that no longer takes up the whole room.) It's pretty impressive and we've had a blast watching it the past few nights.

Getting rid of our giant entertainment center then allowed us to move the couch which opened up the room in a major way. I can now easily go down the hall and out the door (and vice versa).

Max approves of the new layout.

Our old couch is literally starting to fall apart, so we ordered this sofa sleeper. It should arrive later next month.

I am incredibly happy to have my house work better for me and my needs now.