The Last Time...

I've been having the feeling lately that there are many things I'm doing "for the last time." I'm torn between being at peace for this because of the pain and discomfort they cause and mourning the loss. Let me be more specific.

Last week I used a branch saw to trim back the neighbor's rosemary plant that was trying to eat our garden. It's something I've done many times before and never thought much of it. The saw is very sharp and it doesn't require much effort. But after 10 minutes I could barely open my hand back up. Yes, I had taken Ibuprofen before this. I told myself it was the last time I would even use that saw (or one like it.)

Sweet girl and her healing lovies.

Yesterday I went to the ZUMBA class at my gym. It's something I used to super enjoy and I've been trying to go slow and still do the moves. Well, both last week and this week the effort left me sore, stiff and with serious lower back pain even 24 hours later (and totally exhausted.) I think even with modification the moves are just too much for me (at least for right now.) I'm going to stick with Tai Chi or the pool.

Although neither of these activities are something I can't live without, they have one thing in common. They both felt very much like "LASTS." As in "that's the last time I'm doing ZUMBA." And that sucks.

I'm telling myself that this could be temporary and that my new rheumatologist could come across with some wonder drug that will wipe out RA (and not re-activate my TB.) But I also am aware that the opposite might be true. That this could just be a new way of being for me.

I am determined to embrace the CAN'S and move on away from the "cant's." But I also can't stop myself from wondering how many more "lasts" are in my future?

This little piggy

When I saw the rheumatologist back in March she asked if I was having any trouble with my feet. I honestly answered "no." I think my feet must have heard me and shouted back "ALL CLEAR! BRING ON THE RA FEET!" Because literally since then I've been having problems.

How my feet look today - June 16, 2018

I've had mystery swelling, bruising, sharp pain in my right ankle and the balls of my feet hurting after walking only a few steps (metatarsalgia). The scariest of all is it looks like my toes are starting to "migrate/drift" (especially on my right foot.) 

My physical therapist approved the men's Teva sandals that I live in during the summer, so that's good. At least I know my shoes aren't to blame (or making the problem worse.) 

I messaged my doctor and sent him a picture (a new feature that I LOVE!) I'm trying to get in to a new rheumatologist sooner rather than later. I feel like my symptoms are progressing really fast. I also feel like I'm not having "flares" but more constant issues. And of course I'm exhausted all the freaking time. 

I'm trying my best to stay in the present moment and not let worries overwhelm me. It helps that we have a big family party to go to tonight. I'm looking forward to doing something fun and seeing our family.