Growing & Shrinking

Growth isn't linear. That's something I remind myself of constantly. It's actually a lot like grief. I will have times of great growth, times of dormancy and times of regression. It's not a beautiful upward swoosh like a Nike logo. It's more like that hair ball clogging your drain. And it can feel that way at times too.

I've lost 24lbs since early June of this year. As of today. As of right now. That number goes up and down at times, but it's on a trend that I like. Each of those pounds has felt like a Herculean effort on my part. Resisting a parade of temptations (and sometimes giving in), swimming as much as I can, weighing myself weekly, then every few days, then daily, then every few days, then weekly... It's a dance that I'm doing with myself. Sometimes light on my feet, other times stepping on my own toes.

I always read that it's harder to lose weight the older you get as your metabolism goes. Back when I was "healthy" it was hard for me to lose weight because of my sluggish raisin of a thyroid. Even with synthetic replacement. Add a mitochondrial disease on top that hugely affects my energy and muscle ability and I was in for a bigger challenge than I realized.

Hence the drain clog of a process. Up and down and all around, back upon itself. But it is change. And I feel a lot of pride. I've lost a small toddler so far! Only a full adult to go. 

I see myself being pleased with about 82 more pounds lost, but I'll see how it feels.

I have vacillated between being a happy, thick adult woman and wishing to be a thinner version of myself my entire adult life. There's an important distinction there because I've never wished to be anyone other than me. Not even when I had a brain tumor and started to need the help of a wheelchair. Social media doesn't give me FOMO or make me covet other women's looks. Rather it gives me an appreciation for the feminine diversity and makes me even happier in my skin than I was before. 

Any desire to be thinner has always come down to health for me. In the past I would notice things such as my lack of stamina going up stairs. Joint pain or muscle pain after doing a Zumba fitness class. How I felt I should and could be more flexible. That hit an all time high with my mitochondrial disease. 

Self sympathy played a big part in my weight staying higher than I like once I had compromised mobility and muscle use. I told myself that if I couldn't have an orgasm I could have a massive Taco Bell feast or a whole batch of rice crispy treats. Not that I had those things very often. My big problem was just eating too many calories on a regular basis. Not particularly anything unhealthy regularly.

And then there was COVID. Everyone I know gained weight during 2020. I was no exception. But when I passed 300lbs red alarm bells went off in my head. I had come to a crossroads. Was I going to be a life-long big woman who would eat what I wanted and not worry about the consequences? I have many friends who have chosen this path and they are very happy. They look stunning! But I knew it wasn't for me.

The more weight and pressure I put on my joints and muscles, the unhealthier I personally am because of my disease. My body has to work that much harder to maintain any mobility and I have a lot more pain. I couldn't do that to myself. I love myself more than the liberated feeling I get from being able to eat what I want.

I want to feel as good as I feel in the water, on land. This can only happen with weight loss. A serious amount of weight loss. I'm fine with going slow, not going in a linear direction, but I have a destination in sight. I want to be a might lighter version of myself, for myself. For my health and for all of my muscles.