Finding My Way

 

At 48 years old I feel like I'm finally finding my way. The way to really care for myself. With the same deep passion that I care for my family that I love so much.

CARE is such a lovely word. I sign off all my correspondence with "Take Care." I say that because it's important to me that everyone takes care of themselves. It is true what they say that you can't take care of anyone else if you don't take care of yourself first. Although I believe that you CAN take care of others, it's just not as healthy for you or the people you love. Putting yourself first is actually an act of love for others. This is something I'm just coming to realize.

Showing I care about myself through food choices.

I have always been a giver to others. Not materialistically, but emotionally and with my time and energy. As I aged I learned that it's important to say "no" to some people and some obligations. I thought that was all I needed to be mentally and physically healthy. Well, that and a Starbucks with a pedicure once in a while.

The older I get (and wiser I hope) the more I realize there's much much more to caring for yourself than sweet coffee and paying people to rub your feet. There's...

• Thoughts about myself, my body and my actions.
• Self talk. Am I being kind to myself?
• What I am choosing to put in and on my body.
• Am I committing self harm with my eating and lifestyle choices?
• How I spend my time.
• Am I connecting with people who make me more?
• My goals and dreams for myself.

Each of these can be a gateway to either self care or self harm. In the past, I don't think I was always choosing the CARE way. 

Some things I am committed to working on and changing are...

• Going down to a healthier weight for my body.
• Moving my body more through stretching, swimming and using my stationary bike pedals.
• Eating "good for me" foods that I would have skipped over in the past for tastier options.
• Ditching the chemicals on my body (hair dye, makeup, deodorant.)
• Setting new goals for myself.
• Exploring my new identity as a disabled person unable to work.
• Playing with my creative side.
• Relishing time in nature.

Caring for myself more may mean caring about other things less. Things like youth culture, other people's opinion, things I cannot control, other people's choices... Because caring to me is also really all about choices. Picking and choosing what I do, what I say, who I spend time with, how I feed myself. It's all one small choice at a time. 

How I imaging me and my friends in 20 more years.

Life is very short and I want to make sure I enjoy my ride as much as I can. That means being in the best health possible, as strong as possible (both mentally and physically) and not wasting time on things that don't matter. It's up to me what kind of life I create for myself. And I find it worth the work.

Migraine Torment

I am still waiting for my Botox and to meet my new neurologist while my wonderful, usual one is on maternity leave. I will meet him and get my new shots in 10 days. Not that I'm counting. At least he finally got back to me (after an intervention by my primary doctor) and prescribed me something new to try and help in the meantime. That only took three weeks to get him to do.

My migraines are tormenting me. It feels like someone put me on a copy machine and made so many copies of my brain that now the ink is running out. I feel un-real. Not all here. Like I slipped between two realities. One of pain, dizziness, distractions and the real one. 

Conversations are hard to follow. I feel like I'm just a shadow of myself. A bad copy of who I should be. Quiet and then garbled. I call things and people by the wrong name. It takes a long time to say what I mean. It all feels awful.

I think that's one of the main reasons I tend to over eat. It grounds me. Gives me instant pleasure and makes me feel more... me! When I'm hungry that faded feeling only intensifies till I hit a point of not caring. Then it's actually challenging for me to eat.

Caring about things in my life (other than the people I love) is hard right now. The migraine just erases me bit by bit. 

I can't wait to get my Botox and start to feel like myself, even if it's only a minor improvement. Anything is better than this.