Another Big Decision Made

I've been having increased dizziness and headaches. Over the last three months they have been getting stronger and the dizziness more debilitating. My original work plan was to go down to just two days a week doing telehealth from my home. This Tuesday was supposed to be my last day in my office. Little did I know when I left that morning that it would be my last day period (at least for a while). 

I really thought I could manage to still work two 10hr days a week and just recover the rest of the time. But as anyone with chronic health conditions knows, sometimes our bodies have other plans. It was at about 10AM that I realized this "new plan" wasn't going to work. I felt exhausted, was dizzy and had a headache so bad that I couldn't focus on what I was doing. 

I also realized that I had been trying to "keep it together" for my clients, but really cancelling them as much as I had to with little to no warning and rescheduling was likely harder on them (and our support staff) than just taking a three month disability leave.

So I pulled the trigger. I went home, cried my eyes out from frustration, guilt, anger and just not feeling good. My husband come home from work mid-day to comfort me (that was after I called him from my office bawling my eyes out over having to go home). After that I notified everyone important at my agency that I had to immediately go on a three month disability leave. I got a few "get well soon" responses, but most of it was just radio silence.

Silence is a horrible feeling to be greeted with when I tried as hard as I could to just keep pushing and to help as many people as possible. Pushing myself was what I did all day every day that I worked (sometimes even at home). But I just can't push myself anymore. My body has had the final say and it's "NOPE!"

Now what's next?
Applying for State Disability has taken a lot of spoons. It's very confusing and I don't know what I'd have done without help from a disabled friend of mine. My student loans have also been frozen because I can't work right now. So that's two big things off my plate. 

I'm doing small productive things, but mostly resting. And of course attending the never ending medical appointments. I have one Monday with my PCP to talk about the dizziness. He gave me Scopolamine transdermal patches to try, but they did nothing. I picked up some Dimenhydrinate (Dramamine) 50mg today and will try taking 100mg tomorrow to see if it helps at all. 

I'm still processing this big change too. No more office. No more helping clients (right now). No more early work days. No more dressing up. It feels like it did when I got my first rollator or wheelchair. A big step into disability.