Dreams and Reality

I often lay in bed and question what I can and cannot do. I picture myself going for a run. Or even just walking around my block. I ask myself if I'm sure I really can't do these things. When was the last time I tried? How do I know that I can't do it unless I give it a go?

In my head I strap on my tennis shoes (that now belong to my husband because we have the same size feet and he's... well... able bodied.) Then I go for a light jog around my neighborhood just like I used to.

Suddenly I'm no longer running, I'm surfing (something just as realistic). I'm up on a long board alone zipping over clear teal water. I wave hello to the fish and turtles under me. 

Next it's stairs. How many stairs can I climb? By myself? While holding the rail? Not at all? I picture myself in a stadium zipping up endless steps. I'm wearing short bike shorts and looking like a trainer from Biggest Loser (and not the contestant body I currently have).

When I wake up I decide to try something out.
I don't strap on my tennis shoes, or scrounge up a surfboard.
But I eye our kitchen step stool. The one with the big handle.
I figure I can go up and down that and it can count as a "step."
How many can I do?

Well... Without holding onto the handle I can go up and down 4 times. Four steps on my own. Holding onto the handle I can manage 7 (which impressed me!) Seven steps, but I feel my arm and leg muscles burn for about two hours after. Like I was surfing. Not on a kitchen stool.

I like knowing my physical limits. It helps me mentally cope with being a chronically ill woman. It can also help me when communicating with my doctors. In the past when I was asked how many steps can I walk up my answer was always "I don't know, I avoid them."

I'm sure the answers will change, but for now I know where I stand. What my body is capable of. I shudder to think of underestimating myself in any way. Avoiding things just because I think I can't do them.

Maybe tonight I'll dream of scuba diving?