No... "Migraine" is much too small a word for what daemon has wrecked my life. The clinical term might be "migraine" but it's more like an evil possession.
Some of my current diagnosis
Personally I think all of this is a side effect of my brain surgery on September 27th, 2018 (28 months ago). I read that nerve re-growth and associated issues can take around five years to heal. I would have proceeded with surgery anyway, but I wish someone would have gone over the side effects and talked to me about migraines.
My entire life I've infrequently had very minor headaches. I'd pop a few Excedrine and off it went. I knew people who struggled with migraines, but I thought it was just a super bad headache that maybe caused some nausea, light, sound and scent sensitivity and would last about 24hours. At best I feel like I knew a little bit more than the average person.
But when my migraine symptoms began it wasn't with any of that. I'd have a little headache behind my forehead. Just a tiny one. My symptoms started with feeling very dizzy. I felt like I was hearing myself talking from another room when I'd speak and hearing others talk I felt very far away. That's a big problem for a therapist. I was scared and had no idea what was going on.
I quickly became too dizzy to safely drive. My husband began taking me to work. After that I could "hang in there" till lunch time, but the symptoms just got worse. With it came the crushing fatigue. I wasn't just tired, I was completely exhausted. It felt a little bit like a horrible hangover.
The headaches began getting a bit worse, but the other symptoms increased quickly. I started to have trouble focusing, both mentally and physically. My eyes would go blurry, like I couldn't physically focus. Of course I still had my muscle issues as well. The worse my migraine symptoms became the weaker my other muscles were. Soon work was ordering me a text to type program for my files as I lacked the physical stamina to type for any length of time. But nothing helped and I became too compromised to work at all.
I had no idea what was going on. I talked to my primary care doctor, crying in his office. He sent me to a neurologist and an ear, nose throat doctor (otolaryngologist). Both of them diagnosed me with migraines right away. I kept arguing that it couldn't be migraines as my headaches "weren't that bad!" I had no idea that migraines take many shapes for different people with an enormous list of effects. I sure know that now!
Every... single... day I struggle with nightmarish symptoms.
I can't work.
Some days I can't even leave my house.
I'm proud of myself for getting out of bed, dressing and showering.
A big part of my life has been reduced to that of a small child.
I have a lot of feelings about that.
Grief
Loss
Anger
Sadness
Fear
My current treatment regimen involves:
- 32 Botox injections around my head and neck every three months.
- Monthly Emgality injection.
- A cocktail of Procholorperazine 5mg (for dizziness and nausea), Naratriptan 2.5mg and 2 Acetamenophin 500mg taken together as needed (but no more than three times a week).
These all help a little.
I'm still not myself though.
Still unable to do very much.
The worse my migraines are the more exhausted I am and the weaker. It's a nasty cycle. I'm hoping something will click soon to cause a massive improvement or they will heal and go away completely. That would be wonderful!
Until then I sometimes struggle to feel my worth. It takes a lot of intention and attention to really live in the moment. Not let each one slide by in a fog. I do have a beautiful life and I don't want to miss out on any of it.
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