A Spoonful of Hope

Spoons come and they go. They are coveted and fleeting. I never have as many as I wish I had and I struggle to use what I do have in a way that enriches myself and those I love. I ask myself all the time now "does this matter? Is it important? If I can't answer "YES!" Then I really can't afford to spend a spoon on it. Sometimes even if it is important, I just don't have any spoons left.

This weekend was very full. It was my sister-in-law's 50th birthday party and Father's Day. I knew it was going to be busy, full and stacked high with importance. I tried my best to rest up and plan my spoons as best I could. But the tricky thing about chronic illness is that spoons don't work that way. You can't stockpile them and save them for really important moments. Even though I try.

Spoons are like most things in nature. Fleeting and unpredictable. Saturday was good. I tried to not "over do it" at the party so that I'd have "plenty of spoons left for Father's Day." Forgetting that it doesn't always work that way. So Sunday came and I was wiped. Not enough spoons to celebrate it "the way I thought it should be. The way I really wanted it to be. The way I thought my husband deserved." Of course this all led to me feeling "not good enough, frustrated, upset" and even more exhausted today (despite my wonderful man literally taking me home and sticking me in pajamas after I just couldn't be out anymore.)

Despite my best efforts I let "should" take over my "can." I stubbornly refused to listen to my body till I was on the verge of tears. And when I felt like I was "ruining my husband's day" he just gently assured me that I did no such thing and that he was very glad that I told him I had to go home and couldn't be out anymore.

Nature teaches me to listen and watch. To have awe for the things I can do and patience for the things I can't do. To savor moments as they pass because (like spoons) anything worth treasuring will for sure be temporary. After all, everything is temporary. 

Even though I'm exhausted today, I'm hopeful. My doctor got me a new rheumatologist and I'm seeing him a month. This is the first time a specialist got me in to see them in less than 3 months. I'm grateful to be expedited. 

My upcoming "tour of immunology" looks like this:

This Thursday = full spine and neck MRI (it also happens to be Summer Solstice)

June 27th = new neurologist for my neuropathy

June 29th = my 3rd physical therapy appointment

July 13th = back to my primary care doctor for a check in

July 19th = first appointment with my new rheumatologist

When my physical health is compromised it's easy for my mental health to try and follow. A helpful trick is to list 3 things that I'm grateful for each day. So here's my 3 things for today:

1) My husband, his support and love. He helps me take care of myself and makes me smile.

2) My dogs. My little one always know when I need some rest and she loves joining me in bed.

3) "I Love Lucy" - one of my favorite shows. Laughter is great medicine.

(And one to grow on: That I have health insurance! Always grateful for that.)