Feelings About New RA Diagnosis

Today my rheumatologist called me at work to let me know that with the combination of my recent MRI on my right hand the bloodwork she’s confident in saying that I have rheumatoid arthritis and she wants me to start taking medication for it right away.

I’m going to be starting down the path of DMARDS (anti-rheumatic drugs) that “suppress the immune system.” If that sounds serious, it’s because it is. But from what I’ve read it’s much more serious to not take medical action. I’m picking up my prescription for Plaquenil (Hydroxychloroquine) tonight on my way home from work.

She also said she doesn’t think the RA is what’s causing the neuropathy and that’s likely something else entirely. She feels we caught the RA early. That’s hopeful.

After the call I stepped outside to visit some dandelions.

So now the plan is to keep the appointment with the neurologist then go back to the rheumatologist after seeing that person to check in on how the drugs are going and if the neurologist added anything or found anything new.

I’m feeling many many things.
A sense of irony that I got the call on Friday the 13^th. Relieved to finally have a diagnosis and some sense of hope with treatment. Feeling this is unfair that I have to go through something else after having Latent TB just a few short years ago. Happy to have someone trying to alleviate the pain of what I’m going through. Lucky that she got back to me and that I even have access to medical care in the first place. Angry that it feels like this trip isn’t over yet and there’s still more to find out. Grateful to have such a supportive partner who “gets me” and is there for me. Scared about the side effects with my new job. I’m feeling all of these things all at the same time.

Overall I just feel like FINALLY one piece of the puzzle plunked into place. I was hoping that would be the whole puzzle, but at least I have that one f*@&ing piece to cling to. Some of what’s going on is RA and it can be treated. Not cured, but treated. But I am scared that the treatment will be worse than the condition. Everything I’ve read tells me “no.” That “treatment isn’t optional.” But I’m not a trusting person by nature.

I still have so many questions. Will I get any side effects? How will this medication change me? Will my RA get worse even with the medication? (many people are on more than just 1 thing.) How many drugs will I end up needing to take? What if the rheumatologist is right and there’s something else going on along with the RA? What if that’s worse?

I "needed" a treat after all the stress of the day.
Yes, that is a sport sock on my cup.

Don't judge me. It works.

Want to know what my biggest fear is? My #1 biggest fear is that I've spent the last 10 years learning, working and training for a career that I won't be able to do. What if "brain fog" takes over and I can't work? What if I'm too exhausted to be able to work very much? So yes, I have fears about those things. But I also remind myself that I live in a time with wonderful assistive technology. I also have a very non-physical job. It doesn't require me to be physical at all actually. So as long as I can talk and think, I'm pretty golden. You can't say that about many careers. 

I'm also fiercely independent, tenacious, persistent and resilient. All the things you need to be to do battle with any form of chronic illness. What chance do fears have against Ninja skills like that?