Let's Play It By Ear

 "Let's play it by ear" is the warrior cry of the chronically ill. It is an enormous challenge to plan life in advance as I never know how I'm going to be feeling from one moment to the next. With this comes a lot of guilt.

I feel guilty for making my husband miss out on having people over as much as maybe he'd like. Guilty about not going to friends homes as often as I'd like. Guilty for turning down fun invitations to places because I'm too exhausted to go, or the time of day is wrong (it's during "rest time") or the location isn't accessible. 

I feel guilty not being able to spend a full day away from home and making everyone have to come back home early so I can rest. I feel guilty spending a whole day sleeping after doing something exhausting. Guilty for not helping my mom and son out as much as I'd like to. Guilt also comes when I can't do something myself and I need help. 

Behind all of this "guilt" is a great, big, SHOULD.

I SHOULD be able to make it all day long without a rest.
I SHOULD be able to go to someone's house to visit for hours.
I SHOULD be able to travel.
I SHOULD be able to make plans and stick to them.
I SHOULD be able to get up and get on with my day in a productive way.
I SHOULD be able to help others.

But none of these SHOULD's should be here at all. Because of "can't." I am a disabled person unable to do these things. That is the reality of the situation. I can want to. Even feel like I "should." But I can't. So I don't. 

So instead we "play it by ear." Adjust when we need to. Do what I can and skip what I can't. Adjust our plans (or cancel them) and work around my needs. That's the fact of life right now. No need to guilt myself about it or "should all over myself." None of these feelings are helpful or healthy.

It is helpful to remind myself of that when the guilt starts to creep up.

Unlocking the World

On August 17th, 2018 I had my first ever assessment for a wheelchair. That chair would turn out to be my Quantum Edge in Ocean Blue (of course). I love her very much.

How can you love a wheelchair?

Much the same way people love their cars.

For me she's so much more than a chair that moves. She's everything about freedom that's so important. She literally unlocks the world for me. Without her my life would be smaller than small. 

She also means independence.

I'd be relying on others to push me everywhere if I didn't have her. Not only is that tedious for them, but it feels awful for me (literally, I get motion sick this way.) As my mother once put it when she had to push me before we purchased our wheelchair van. "Awwww, it feels the same as when you were little and I would push you in your stroller." For me too mom! It feels the same for me too. Like I'm an infant. Ick!

My biggest fear is that she will break and I'll have to wait months and months (if not a full year) to get a new one. Repairs and delivery of medical devices is shocking. A few companies have a monopoly so they can take their sweet time, lose your order or screw it up as much as they like. You're at their mercy. It's such a racket.

I have many fantasy businesses, but one of them is running my own wheelchair supply and repair business. 

Anyway... I digress. 

If something happens to my chair (and it already has in the past) I'm very limited. I do have my travel chair as a backup, but she's not nearly as comfortable or maneuverable. She's good for an emergency, or rugged travel. Not really for every day use.

I'm also curious if I could get a new wheelchair that raises and lowers up and down. Not just tilts front and back. And, as much as I love this chair, I didn't get the full assessment of an occupational therapist (OT) when I was fitted for her. Just a sales man for the company who ordered her for me.

I contacted my insurance company to see when I could qualify for a new chair and was told "Anytime you need one." WOW! That's great news. So then I reached out to my muscular neurologist and asked how it would work. She said she would need to see me, but that we could do a video visit. Then she would send me to my fabulous muscular disease OT for an assessment. Bingo!

This all means I'm hoping to get an order in for a new chair soon. That will give me some new options and a solid backup should anything happen. And IF I ever travel again on a plane, I can bring my big chair and not be in a panic if something should happen to it during the flight.

My world just keeps getting bigger.