3 Weeks Post-Brain Tumor

It's been 3 weeks today since I had brain surgery to remove my benign Mengionoma. Something strange started happening last night. I started to feel angry. Here's some reasons that were running through my head:

• 9 month aggressive treatment for Latent Tuberculosis 3 years ago that was like a bomb setting off a series of autoimmune issues
• Chronic joint pain and swelling 
• Crippling fatigue
• I had a fricken brain tumor
• Whent through brain surgery
• Now I have 3 plates and 10 screws in my head
• Mystery muscle weakness that no one still seems to know why or what it is
• I now own 2 wheelchairs and a walker at age 45
• I need to use a handicapped parking plate
• What I can and can't do has changed dramatically over the last 8 months
• I have constant pain
• There are tons of things I want to do but just can't
• I'm worried I'm going to lose my job because of all the time off and constant doctors appointments
• I want to be able to travel like I used to
• I'm trying to not let my health issues take over my life
• I'm exhausted from being constantly optimistic
• I'm tired of spending money on all of these problems
• I feel like my body has completely failed me

I'm usually a very positive, optimistic person. I'm a problem solver by nature. When I get down, I don't stay down for long. But today is a "down day." I'm lucky that I'm meeting a friend for coffee later. I'll lean a bit on her let her cheer me.

I think this was all triggered surprisingly by my new wheelchair. I finally got the approval, it has been ordered and will be delivered to me November 1st. Yes, I want and need this chair, but I think it also triggered this cascade of anger in me that took me by surprise.

"Big Blue" - My new electric chair

Still not having a real answer about why my muscles suddenly started to give out back in March is horrible. The best I can figure out is it's some kind of "Inflammatory Myopathy." But that's just my personal guess (but it's more than what my neurologist has come up with.) All I know is I can do about 25% of what I used to physically be able to do and no one seems to know why.

My husband and I were hoping the cause was the brain tumor. When we first found out about it my neurologist even told us that was the cause. But quickly other medical professionals disagreed and said it was unlikely to improve anything muscular. However, before surgery my right hand and right side were much weaker than my left. Now they feel about the same. Who knows how or why? So my husband and I are still holding out hope that things will improve on their own.

Hope. That's so important when you're struggling with a chronic illness. I find when I lose hope it's necessary to connect with others who can hold onto it for me. My husband is fantastic about that and he never seems to lose hope. 

I found this lovely quote I wrote down a year ago from my Nana. She told me this over the phone and it's a wonderful reminder that as long as you are loved, there is always hope and comfort. It's a good reminder that I needed today. It's also ok to remember that I'm allowed to be angry. I've been through a lot! And I know the anger won't last long.